My Horizontal Life

No, not MY Horizontal Life, that's currently non-existent (give it a few years, I'm not that old), Chelsea Handler's Horizontal Life. That's right, I FINALLY finished Chelsea's other book. Well, finally, two weeks ago. I was just really lazy with getting around to posting a review on it. SUCKS FOR YOU! Anyway, the book is pure genius. From the start of her sexual life when she ran into her parents' bedroom and took a picture of them having sex, to trying to get her 28 year old, Disney obsessed, virginal roomate that she's nicknamed DumbDumb, laid with the help of a kind male prostitute. Then there's the cruise she took where 1 out 15 people on the ship DIDN'T have a mullet, they only had cheap booze, and she slept with an 18 year old interpretive dancer. She's also been in a long-term relationship with a male stripper who she forced to never tell her his real name, insisting he only go by "Thunder", when with her. This bitch has seen everything this side of the sex rainbow. Now, 1, bitch can be an endearment when coming from the mouth, or rather in this case, fingers, of a homo, 2, this book is equal to, maybe even better than Vodka. And 3, I give it 11 out of 10 stars. Buy it and read it putas! Toodles Betches!

Sugar

Hello tHere, it's you know who, your Serene Highness Lord Stephan Monroe Ravelle of Normandy. JK. Although I did have my geneology traced, and my family's actually descended from somewhere in Normandy, which for you stupid-fucking-idiots out there, is in France (I TOLD I WAS FRENCH!YOU DOUBTERS!YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). Anyway, time to get to what I was actually going to talk about. Parov Stelar. You've probably never heard of the Austrian born DJ, but now you have, and you'll love him. Many recorded DJs cater towards electro, or electro-rock, or even jazz, but not many, electro-jazz. Yes, electro-jazz, a hybrid genre of 1920's jazz and techno. About 9 months ago, I stumbled upon the genius on iTunes, while looking up Ursula 1000, who although is very much just electro, has a few songs that I would generalize as electro-mambo. I of course fell in love, because of, as you know, I have a somewhat odd obsession with the Platinum Era of Jazz. The first song I bought, coincidentally I just realized, was Sugar, which is the name of Marilyn Monroe's character in Some Like It Hot, Sugar Kane. Besides that, the song Kiss Me Twice, is another one of my favorites, calling to my mind the image of a steamship approaching a sprawling city that is what as I can describe as a mixture of San Francisco, New York, Rio De Janeiro, and Paris. Anyway, enough of my babbling, you need to fucking hear his music. The only way of course, besides buying it (YOU CHEAP BASTARDS.Just Kidding!), is, (singing) Myspace! Well, I just bought the song from one of the Gossip Girl commercials, Ca Plane Pour Moi, by Plastic Bertarnd. Toodles Betches!

JIM STURGESS IS A GIFT FROM GOD

OH.MY.GOD. I LOVE JIM STURGESS EVEN MORE! (Jim if you're reading this, I understand I come across as a bit stalker-ish, but come on, I'm the only gay person at a school in a ghetto city in the central valley, what else am I supposed to do besides swoon over you?) I may have said it before, I can't remember, but Jim Sturgess is perfect! He can act, he can sing, he can play a guitar, and he's british. He's almost as divine as me. Yes, I said me. It's called narcicism pendejos, get used to it. Also, yes, I am back from my long overdue hiatus. Why did I go on yet another? SHITTY FUCKING SCHOOL GOT IN MY FUCKING DIVINE WAY! Homework my ass, all it is, is filler. Ffffiillllleerrrrr! Like I really need to know how to do equalities or whatever to be a screenwriter. Seriously, I am going to become a screenwriter, oh wait, you people already know that, and about my remake of Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Wet. Oh, oh, I came up with two tag lines for the posters. The first one, "Get Your Head Out of the Gutter! It Involves A Pool!(then in small print)and the gay mafia.". Then second,"It might not have guys in flapper drag, but is more gender-bending than before". The second poster is going to have just me on a stage doing one of my trademark poses. So, anyway, I'm back, and about the movie.....Jim, once again, if you're reading this, could ypu PLEASE maybe keep some room in your schedule clear after 2010. Please? You'd be terrific in a romantic comedy, especially mine..........

PUTA

Hello there, Stephan Monroe Ravelle is here, and wishes to establish, PUTA. People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. You may be asking, What the fuck is wrong with me? Nothing. You see, I am so fucking tired of PETA putting my people down. Who are my people? Fur lovers. For a few months now, I have had the dream to one day be the owner of a polar bear fur coat with a 7-foot train and grey wolf trim. So, I have decided to form PUTA. Now, you may be pissed off, or you may be laughing over my organization's name, which in spanish, means, cough, cough, whore. But whatever, at least we're not MENSA. I mean seriously, if they're so smart, they would change their name to something mexicans won't laugh their ass off at. What? You don't know what Mensa means? Mensa, means idiot. So, refocusing on my organization, as soon as we get enough funds, we're going to protest PETA, by sending 300 mink coats to their headquarters. Besides that, every time they're seen protesting, my people will show up and throw blue paint on them, and then dead mink corpses. Our offices are also going to have leather wallpaper and wooden paneling made from trees from the Congo. So Pamela Anderson, looks like we can't be friends one day.

I was meant to be 35 in 1935

Recently, I've gone through sort of an epiphany. I have had internet again for the past 5 days, I've just been busy with my epiphany-ing. I have realized that I was meant for another time, literally. For the past few days, all I've had on my mind (besides the Office, Jim Sturgess, John Krasinski, and shopping) is Parov Stelar, The Puppini Sisters^, Bioshock, flappers, and The Chordettes. All of which coming fromn the 1920's through 60's. Even now, when envisioning my red carpet wardrobe, I'm seeing enormous fur coats, flapper hats, long necklaces, silver and white tuxedos, 2 ft long cigaretter holders, and blowing smoke in Ryan Seacrest's face and walking away. The bioshock thing, all I can think of is living in an underwater 1950's metropolitan paradise, before the war that is. You know, I just want to reach out there and spread this decade's counter-culture of the Retro obsessed people. Because, well, back then, things were just, simpler.