Sunday, August 31, 2008

My Horizontal Life

No, not MY Horizontal Life, that's currently non-existent (give it a few years, I'm not that old), Chelsea Handler's Horizontal Life. That's right, I FINALLY finished Chelsea's other book. Well, finally, two weeks ago. I was just really lazy with getting around to posting a review on it. SUCKS FOR YOU! Anyway, the book is pure genius. From the start of her sexual life when she ran into her parents' bedroom and took a picture of them having sex, to trying to get her 28 year old, Disney obsessed, virginal roomate that she's nicknamed DumbDumb, laid with the help of a kind male prostitute. Then there's the cruise she took where 1 out 15 people on the ship DIDN'T have a mullet, they only had cheap booze, and she slept with an 18 year old interpretive dancer. She's also been in a long-term relationship with a male stripper who she forced to never tell her his real name, insisting he only go by "Thunder", when with her. This bitch has seen everything this side of the sex rainbow. Now, 1, bitch can be an endearment when coming from the mouth, or rather in this case, fingers, of a homo, 2, this book is equal to, maybe even better than Vodka. And 3, I give it 11 out of 10 stars. Buy it and read it putas! Toodles Betches!


Posted by at

My Odd Obsession with Death, Hollywood, and my need to take over the world that I can't shake

Why do I like to wander cemetaries? Why do I love Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Gene Kelley, Princess Diana, Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn, Aubrey Hepburn, and, suprisingly, Paris Hilton? Why can't I shake the yearning to take over the world and have the world population wait on me hand and foot, fanning me with enormous palm leaves, and buying me anything I desire. I don't know. Some people call me crazy, psychotic, pyro-maniacal, bi-polar, or insane, but its just me. Over time I'm going to reveal the method to my madness, but for today, all I'm going to reveal is this; My one true goal in life, if the world domination thing doesn't work out, is to be famous for nothing, and be treated like royalty. All I Want to be is, quoting one of the people I just talked about, Loved By You. Every single person alive. I want to be a house hold name. Just you watch, one day I'll be smiling from the center of the stage at Grauman's Chinese.