Hello Derwood

It's me, Gossip Guy, taking another step back in time to 1964, the year Bewitched premiered on CBS. Now, Bewitched though not as legendary as I Love Lucy, is much more popular with the young-in's, seeing as it's played every afternoon in the summer. "Why do you like it?" you might ask. Well, it's just a fun show, Samantha dealing with her mortal husband, her crazy-bitch mother Endora, and numerous, belligerent, yet powerful relatives, and of course the snoopy bitch with binoculars across the street. Now if you decide to watch, just a warning, if the husband doesn't look the same in the last three seasons, that's because it's a different guy. Dick York was Darren for the first 5 seasons, then was in a car accident, suffered spinal cord damage, and became addicted to pain-killers, dying from ironically cancer (which also suspiciously claimed every other star as well, except for Tabitha, who was 6 when the series' ended). He was quietly replaced by Dick Sargent who was ironically gay (Dick, stupid), with CBS not even acknowledging the switch. Now, some say Bewitched was just some stupid fantasy sitcom, but it's more than that. The Stephens' best friends were a black family, who appeared regularly for many seasons. Not so big now, but a year after MLK's assassination, and, it was pretty big. Now, once again I leave you in the TV land of yester-year, hoping you'll check some of these shows out. They Would:                                                                                              

Hello Bitches! This Bitch is getting domesticated

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here reporting that the high deity of Hiltonism is getting domesticated. I've learned that Paris and Benji are not only a happy couple, but a make dinner together, stay in and watch a comedy, and cuddling, happy couple now. Good news for Paris who said that she plans to have kids some day during her Simple Life years. Personally, I hope they get married because maybe Paris would finally settle down, have a family, take acting lessons, and not show her Pikachu (cough,cough,slutt,cough). of course, one can only imagine what kind of housewife Nicole Richie is though.

Now, Holloywoodland is kind of quiet today for some reason, so, I'm gonna leave, besides, shitty report due tomorrow. (sigh) I hate you Nostradamus. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Hello Bitches! (happy voice)

Hello Upper West Coasters! Your favorite bitch, Gossip Guy is back, and it's time for me to sound off on Blake & Penn. One, YAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! I knew they were together, it's just my psychic intuition. Thats right bitches, I'm psychic, so non-believers, wherever you are, F#$% YOU! And two, Hello, they've been friends since middle school. When you know someone that long, and they're the opposite sex (although not always, as someone I know would prove [it didn't materialize, don't get your romance hopes up]), there's bound to be sparks. Now, in personal news, I've started writing my letter to MTV, for, drum-roll, "The Valley". Now, if we are picked up, just remember, it's about young socialites going to an advanced school which happens to be inconveniently located in the a-ghetto. Seriously though, before the show starts, (and I know it probably won't), I've been thinking of starting the nouevou riche, Future Socialite's Club. We  would also throw the annual Socialite's Ball at The Stockton Hotel tower ballroom, which is hopefully, still in working condition, no cameras have been inside it in 29 years. Moving On! As I type, I watch Dan, yes, Dan break up with Serena, and I hate, hate, the way things are SUPPOSED to happen. I'm just hoping that Chuck and Blair realize that there's more to their relationship, and they become the new golden couple, or not really golden couple, more like satan's couple, complete with horns and shared red trident. They just prove that love is everywhere, and that two of the most evil people on the Upper East Side can find each other. Here's to Chuck and Blair! Moving On! Jamie Lynn was sited in Missouri, huge tummy, giant boobs, stomach full of Mickey-D's, and brand new power saw in all. Oh, is that romance brewing between Serena and Nate? Why I do say there's a new pairing, and I also officially hate the guy hitting on B at the helipad, and is that fear of change in Chuck's eyes, oh my, he's gonna have sex with that slutt, well, let's call it even with Blair's retaliation flirting. You Know you love me, XOXO, Gossip Guy.

                                                                I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches! 

DIE GEORGINA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (demonic voice)

DIE GEORGINA! TODAY, IT WAS REVEALED THAT SHE TRICKED SERENA INTO MAKING A WOULD-BE SEX TAPE, AFTER SLEEPING WITH NATE. ENGULFED IN GUILT ABOUT SLEEPING WITH HER BEST FRIENDS BOYFRIEND, SHE WAS IN A FRAGILE STATE. BUT SINCE SHE ALREADY PLANNED TO MEET G LATER, G HAD HER CRACK HEAD, PERVERT, GUY FRIEND AND A CAMERA READY FOR SAID SEX TAPE. THEN, AS HE THREW HIS TONGUE DOWN HER THROAT, SHE STOPPED HIM, GIVING HIM A MIRROR WITH FINE WHITE POWDER TO DISTRACT HIM FROM HER NOW HALF NAKED BODY. HE SPAZZED OUT, HAD A SEIZURE AND DIED. THAT IS WHAT SERENA WAS REALLY GUILTY ABOUT. SO, LAST EPISODE, SERENA BECAME GRIEF-STRICKEN AND DRUNK, AND TODAY, IN AN ENORMOUS HANGOVER, TOLD BLAIR, NATE, AND CHUCK WHO HAD SETTLED THEIR DIFFERENCES TO BE ON RECOVER ASSISTANCE. NOW, LATER ON IN THE DAY, S's MOM SAW SAID ALMOST SEX TAPE AND MADE S TALK TO CRACK HEAD'S PARENTS, WHO WERE TOTALLY FINE BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN HOOKED ON DRUGS SINCE 10. MEANWHILE, VANESSA FOUND OUT ABOUT G, AND DAN ALMOST FOUND WHEN AN OLD FRIEND OF G's CALLED HER NAME. NATE, WHO HAD BEEN WITH VANESSA (sweet moment, love is sooooo brewing between Nate & Vanessa!)  TRIED TO TELL DAN, BUT G LURED HIM AWAY WITH A FAKE SOB STORY OF GHETTO, STALKER BOYFRIENDS. LATER ON, SHE CALLED NOW RELIEVED S TO TELL HER THAT SHE HAD DAN. S TOLD HER ABOUT THE CRACK HEADS PARENTS, SAYING THAT SHE COULDNT DO ANYTHING NOW, THEN, G, SAID, AND THIS IS WHY I HATE HER, "It's not what I'm going to do, it's WHO I'm going to do". S OF COURSE, TOLD HER DAN WASN'T LIKE THAT, THEN G, THE BITCH, HUNG UP, AND LOCKED LIPS WITH DAN. THAT LAST THING WE SEE, IS HER LEADING HIM AWAY! SO SHE CAN PROBABLY GET HIM NAKED AND PROVE TO EVERYONE THAT SHE IS ONE, BITCHY, SLUTTY, MOTHERFUCKY, C%$#Y, BIG TIME, SLUTT-BITCH! I HAVE BEEN DAY DREAMING FOR DAYS NOW OF HER GETTING HIT BY A BUS, SMASHED BY THE SUBWAY, AND GETTING PUSHED OFF THE ROOF OF TIFFANY'S, LANDING ON A HOME COMING QUEEN WEARING HER NEW CROWN OUT OF THE STORE, IMPALING GEORGINA AND GIVING H.C. QUEEN ONLY A SLIGHT CRICK IN HER NECK. Now, calming down, some of you might ask, aren't you a little to obsessed? Well, I know its a show, but if I was transported to that world, THE FIRST THING I WOULD DO IS SACRAFICE THE BITCH TO TIFFANY'S! I'M OUT, WORSHIP ME BITCHES!

AND DIE GEORGINA!

Welcome to the Tropicana

Today, I thought I would take a quick break from the fast-paced gossip world of today and look back on one of the most remembered tv shows in history, I Love Lucy. Yes, your dear Gossip Guy is a TV Land watching, plot memorizing, enthusiastic, I Love Lucy fan. For those who've never seen it, you don't know what your missing,  with an actually funny joke about every minute, it was one of the first sitcoms on tv. Lucy though, being the one the show revolves around, wasn't the star in the original. Yes, original. I Love Lucy was a flipped remake of the short lived show, My Favorite Husband. Lucy was the level headed wife of a clumst banker, providing many laughs, although only lasting one season as it itself was a remake of a radio comedy, where Lucy played the wife too. Now, it may be a bit cliche, but I myself have an idea for a remake. My Favorite Husband would be remade and put on the air, on CBS by 2014. Now, calm down, I won't be the star, but I've already sub-conciously cast the show. Now ,back to ILL, my favorite episode would absolutely have to be the one when Lucy gets a job at a candy factory, and her only job is to powder the chocolate in sugar and put in a wrapper. Now, as she does this, the conveyor belt in front of her carrying the candy speeds up and before you know it, her and Ethel (her best friend, neighbor, landlord, and her only source of common sense) have mouths full of chocolate and are stuffing their shirts. So, if you've never seen it, see it already!

Crime of Fashion!..............and Sex?

Hello Upper West Coasters! The Sex and the City movie which is coming out in only two weeks, is still getting pre-release hype, this time from the wardrobe department. The contract which states that the stars can keep their characters' couture has a loop hole with the fact that 99% of the wardrobe was samples. With only a Chanel bag leaving the empty room once labbled "wardrobe". By the way, the movie comes out 

May 27th, so gosee it! In Other News, Amy 

Winehouse was released on bail today after she went to a pre-schedueled interogattion at London's National Police. She was questioned and arrested for about three hours 

 before being bailed out around late noon. Witnesses say she was very peaceful, cooperated and answered all the questions, a feat for her. Of course though, this was all for her alleged "drug video" where she's seen smoking speed and snorting fine white powder, which I like to yell in crowds, it's a good way to get attention. Moving On! Brangelina were spotted in France house 

shopping, while staying at a friend's house, or, I'm sorry, Villa. A source close to the couple and E! which is close to me via E!Online, says that their kids love it there, being close to the ocean, and surrounded by the countryside, while Brads excited to tour the country on his bike. All the while half their stuff is being shipped across the Atlantic, ready for when they find their temporary house and future summer house. Well, I'm writing a novel (Lunch at Macy's) and the creative flow is stopping like Niagra falls in 1974, when they damned it for 9 months. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

LiLo the Thief

Hello Upper West Coasters! It's your beloved Gossip Guy, and it looks like  LiLo has made headlines again, as a thief. Yes, three weeks ago, she walked out of an N.Y.C. club with the coat on, except it's owned by a Columbia University co-ed, who got it from her dead grandmother. The girl saw it in OK! Magazine last week and set her Ivy League lawyers to work. She claims it came back reeking of cigarettes, booze, and had a tear in the lining. By yesterday it was patched up, and the stupid "Innocent" bitch and was demanding a 10,000 dollar rental fee. I personally believe, that LiLo is entitled to borrow it for at least a week, and that bitch should be thankful she wore it, because she can now sell it on eBay for double, maybe even triple the original price. Now, some of you may be saying "Mink!?", well hippies, SHUT THE F#%$ UP! I Loooooooovvvvvvvvve fur, and intend to own snow leapard, leopard, puma, viper, mink, bear, fox, wolf, and Bay Tiger coats, the grey fox one I will wear as I perform at the 90th Annual Academy Awards, which of course by then, I'll be 50 pounds lighter. While I'm still on the

subject, LiLo is also prepping for her seven episode arc on Ugly Betty. She'll be playing a bakery store clerk who moonlights as a hard partying clubber. No idea how that connects to the cast, but I'm interested, especially after Christian Siriano guest starred last episode, who I have been quoting for a while, you know, "Worship Me Bitches". Moving On! This also reminds me that Ugly Betty will be moving, as, even though it's based in New York, filming is done in Sunny, Sunny, Hollywood, but no more, this June they start filming in New York. Actually Moving On, Brit-Brit appeared in court today, and got more visitation rights! Although K-Fed still has sole physical custody, and by the way, K-Fed isn't fat for all those who haven't come out of their house in a year, it was just Pop Fiction. In other Gossipy News (valley voice), the MORONISH  Jonas Bros. are going to start filming their concert-movie just like Hannah Montana the Whor-a, honestly, anyone who likes the Jonas Bros. needs an ear candling done so they can f%#&ing hear the shit they spew. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Sexiest Cover Ever, or Disgusting 7 Way?

Sexiest Cover Ever, Duh! Yesterday Gossip Girl's cast posed in bed, in their piyamas, (Im Mehican, did you know that? Probably, I dont think anyone reads this) for New York magazine. Oh, and if you're wondering why Penn and Blake are always close in photoshoots, well, in real life they're actually good friends, they have been since middle school. I'm Out (again), Worship Me Bitches!

MOTHERF#$%ING GEORGINA!

What's missing from this picture? A LITTLE SLEUTY BITCH BY THE NAME OF GEORGINA! Today, she sent Serena her own copy of footage of her getting the nasty on with Chace, I mean Nate (reality and fantasy blur easily for me). Then, she was about to show it to Dan and Vanessa as a quote on quote, "film project". Luckily Serena stopped her, but not before Georgina wriggled further into the growing crack between her and Dan, which she created. Honestly, I hope that on the season 2 premiere, no matter how cliche it is, she's hit by a bus. Then Dan and Serena are once again the Golden Couple (angelic music plays), and of course Nate and Vanessa at least have a short fling. Now, there's also a million other story opportunities, now that Eric's been outed by the Ice Queen (georgina), and Asher will probably go on a Serena-esque exile. Now, Moving on, tonight I took a sad, sad, chance, and googled the Jonas Brothers. They are officially, the stupidest people on the face of the planet. "Pure!", shut the f%$# up motherf%&#ing bitches! Chelsea has a point (Handler), YOU CAN NOT BE SEXY IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD SEX! Or if you don't pluck your eyebrows. MOVING ON! (pissed off voice). Chelsea tried her hand at super-nannying today by becoming Super Chelsea and went to a desperate parents house. Now, the real nanny always observes first, and well, Chelsea has her own way of Observing, by using their exercise bike while she "observed". After about an hour, she tried to help, which promptly got the kids ambushing her. She ran out of the house throwing her heels at them in self-defense. In Other News, Brit-Brit was spotted at Jamie Lynn's Baby shower, where she smoked in front of Jamie Lynn. "Oh Hi Jamie Lynn, (cough, cough, blows smoke in her face), congradulations!". Moving Further On, Project Runway is said to have one season left, making me sad (fake crying, forced tear). But, it'll be on Lifetime after that, but with everything changed but the name. Moving back to Gossip Girl, Ed Westwick said in an interview that life is different now with the show, and refused to talk about the season finale, making me pissy! But, since I'm on the subject, there's a picture I talked about last post, where I said that it looks like Georgina's feeling up Dan, well, upon closer examination, you can clearly see their real emotions in their eyes, with Dan's eyes being full of uncomfort, and a little fear, and Georgina's eyes being full a look as I can only describe as, "Petaphile in Summer Camp". I can't get the photo, so here's the link:http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2078643968/tt0397442. I'm out, Worship Me Bitches!

The Most Beautiful People of Hollywoodland

Hello Upper East Siders (J.K!), more like, Hello Valley People, because, last Friday, People's 100 Most Beautiful People Issue hit stands, and guess which of our favorite 7 people made it, that's right, Ed, Jessica, Taylor, Penn, Leighton, Chace, and Blake were all crowned as 7 of the most beautiful people on earth. This is probably good news for the cast of Gossip Girl as Entertainment Weekly has reported, that although it was attempted to be kept secret, no one can avoid the fact that there were one million less viewers on the 28th than on the first episode. But, the CW says they're ready to bring those numbers back up, especially with the arrival of Georgina, and whether or not the fact that (spoiler alert! skip next sentence if plot squemish!) she deflowered Chuck when he was only 12 will be a big plot thing. (skip this sentence too!) Also revealed by EW, is that Nate and Vanessa will show Georgina around Manhattan when they don't recognize her posing as a coffee shop barista, adding fuel to my hate flame, a picture on IMDB appeared where it looks like she's feeling up Dan with a whorish sexy pose. DOWN WITH GEORGINA! (spoilers over) Moving on, Kate Hudson snagged spot Numero 1    with Angelina Jolie somewhere around 10 or 15, one year makes a big difference. Kate confesses that she actually hates makeup and wore her zit cream to school in her teenage years. Meanwhile, Jenn to the Love to the Hewitt posed without makeup and revealed that, without it, she looks eight,(freckle city!) and she admits to wearing makeup just so she doesn't feel like she's being babysat by her friends. Now, I'm about to get a little pissy, guess which two people were on the first page of most beautiful couples, ASHLEE SIMPSON AND PETE WENTZ! The little sleut and the man-whore were the #1 most beautiful couple, making me give a second thought to subscribing to People! The little bitch and her nose jobs! The bastard and his eyeliner! Finally, Amy Winehouse has stopped working on her songs for the next 007 movie, saying, "It'll take a miracle of science!". What f#$% does science have to do with it? Honestly, she's a bloody crack head! This after she was in a bar fight with a man she slapped and head butted, although she just could've used the hive, with all that hairspray I'm sure it's rock hard, plus he probably has lice now, stemming from a hive, get it? I'm out Bitches!

!OMFG!

I don't know about you, but, Gossip Girl is officially the best tv show in history on 

"Ravelle's Scale", which I obviously made up myself and own, anyway, we all remember OMFG, you, know, Nate & Serena had penetration, and everything just went down the shit shoot. But now, she's interested in Dan, and since the CW is just typing away something completely different than the books, I have an idea for the next season, and since most of my ideas are probably ratings gold, I can describe only through the commercial that would be everywhere before the episode. OMFG, the same flash affect of like an old film recorder, and instead of Nate getting on the nasty with Serena, it's Dan, and in the episode, Serena finds out General Bitch, Georgina, shot a sex tape of the two, an voila! An enormous feud between Serena and Georgina begins while  Blair schemes to be Queen Bee again, only loosing to Jenny, who wins the title by spilling the beans about Serena and Dan, and Serena and Nate, which then leads to our Gossip Girl reporting to all, and the writers can take the next episode, seeing as, (nouvou riche accent) I'm luxuriously lazy. Moving on, Michael Rosenbaum from Smallville is leaving the show, although I'm pretty sure no one cares. Moving on to better news, Nick Cannon and Mimi got married in the Bahamas, verified by Cannon's aunt. OK,        first, what is it with divas marrying younger men, it's just a bit annoying, find someone your own age, MIMI. Secondly, this bitch acts like she's still 12, she says she can count the number of men she's had penetration with on one hand. I say that's bullshit. I bet she used that hand for something else, if you catch my drift. In other news, LESBIAN, Rosie O'Donnell was on the Rachel Ray show. Both of which I hate. I prefer Martha Stewart. Onward (annoying british Madonna accent)! Made of Honor came out a week ago today, and although not a hit, is a success. I have not seen it yet and thanks to my only sworn reader, I don't have to leave home to watch it (bootleg stupid). Some may say that it's another version of my best-friend's wedding, but Julia Roberts is a bitch, Patrick Dempsey is lonely, and she's the only he can commit to. I'm out, worship me bitches!