I Was Definitely Meant For Another Time

This past week I have been having an overdose of 50's & 60's music, and, I have realized something. I don't think that they'll ever make music the way that they used to. From the depressing, somewhat erie, lyrics of "Dream A Little Dream of Me", to the bubblegum, somewhat passive aggressive, "My Boyfriends Back", songs just AREN"T written the way they were used to. Don't get me wrong, I love CSS's diddies about dumb blonde socialites and hot, hot, sex, but, it's just not the same. It makes me wish aborn a long, long time ago. I a tim when a song just wasn't entertainment, but could have a story, real human emotion, make you depressed, or as happy as can be. Music just doesn't do that anymore. On a lighter note, Mercedes, if you're reading this, CALL ME ALREADY! Me and my mom do not mind leaving you high and dry back here in this ghetto-town, when we go on our shopping trip/ sad excuse for a vacation to San Francisco. Getting back to the point, I think that who ever reads this should listen to the music of this famous era, especially Dream A Little Dream of Me. You never know, if you don't do it now, you may never get the chance to....

FYI

BTW. for those of you who personally know me, NO TALK OF THE OFFICE! I missed the season premiere because my piece of shit cable company, "Lost the signal" and I had a pink screen for 45 minutes. DUMBSHIT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok, maybe my mom was right, maybe my language has been a bit heavy with filth lately. Oh, well, fuck it, if people don't like it, then they have to fucking deal with it. Toodles!

I'm Back Bicthes

Hello Upper Californians, Gossip Guy here, and it looks like LiLo has officially joined my team, or is on two teams, you never know, she could pull an Anne Heisch. For those of you who know nothing of pop culture before 2000, because you think it's "old", Anne Heisch, star of Men In Tress (which I'm not entirely sure, but I think it got canceled), was in a relationship with newly married Ellen DeGeneres, for like, 4 years. So Sam better watch out, one day LiLo may see a guy and be like, "Hmm, that guy is hoooooooooottt. Guess no one really is completely straight or gay, BYE SAM!". You never know........MOVING ON! GAiken is out of the closet everyone! Finally, after what, 5 years of going, "Oh yeah, I'd tap that". For god's sake, just come out, if people don't accept you, that's their problem, they don't deserve your pressence. You are what you are, you can't change what you are. Besides, like I said, no one is completely gay or straight. I mean come on, there's always the athletic type guy, who's all big, and buff, and sexy (ok, getting off the point) that loves strippers and slutts, but inside their head, at least one time in their life, they're going to see another guy and be attracted to him. Or the airheaded, socialite, girl, who at least a few times in her life, sees another girl, and is like, "Hey, she's kinda hot". Anyway, enough life lessons, MOVING ON! Brit-Brit's latest single dropped, and it is kickass! I heard it on youtube (iTunes, yeah, not so quick to update its shit sometimes), and I LOVE IT! It's called Womanizer, and is totally off the chain. Anyway, I gots to goes, Ghost Whisperer (or better known as Boobie woman in my household, which, BTW, my mother came up with that name) is going to be on, and as bad as it's getting, I have to at least see if it's going to be a better season this year. Oh, and before I forget, my last hiatus was due to motherfucking school. UGH! Oh well, they barely deserve me. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

90th Post

It's the 90th post! Ok, I'm a little overenthusiastic. I'm just too anxious for the my 100th post. Anyway, I've had too things on my mind. First, should I get this bag? I love it soooooooo much, but what would I use it for? Ok, so I do have my hand mirror, cellphone, iPod, comb, lotion, hand lotion, body splash, sunglasses, spare money, pens, hand sanitizer, and carmex. But keep in mind I'm a gay, it may look a little weird in the crappy agh-GHETTO town I live in. You know what, fuck them, I love it, I'm even gonna get the miniature one. Now, Secondly, for the goodness of pret-a-porter and haute couture, I have not been able to get Valentine's Day off my mind. Did you know, that in Japan, Valentine's Day is when a woman has to get chocolate for her lover, but then on March 14 is White Day, when men give the women white chocolate. And that in South Asia they have Black Day on April 14th for (obviously depressed) single people. Oh, and that in North Europe, they have this guy that, a-la-Santa Claus, leaves gifts & candy on the back-doorstep of people's houses for children, but for some reason, kids are actually afraid of coming in contact with him. I just don't what it is, but I just can't get the day off my mind. Plus, I've always wanted to meet someone born on Valentine's Day. Like, did you know Simon Pegg was born on Valentine's Day? I didn't. It's weird, it seems like as I get older, it becomes easier for things to get stuck in my head, and seem to stay stuck there longer. Well I'm off, I still need to find a way to get romance out of my head, maybe a few romantic comedies................

Poor, Poor, Marilyn

I'm feeling a bit morbid and depressing today, so, I'm here to present you with the morgue photos of Marilyn Monroe. Yes, the last photos ever taken of her, on August 5th, 1962, as the famous blonde layed on a cold steel slab, lifeless. It's sad when you think about it, her father killed in an accident when she was 3, her mother commited when she was 7, raped at 8 with an abortion to top it off, passed through countless foster families and group homes for years, married at 16. Divorced at 20, attempted suicide at 23, two more failed marriages, 8 more abortions, and four miscarriages. All the while, she put up the persona of a glamorous, beautiful, airheaded sex symbol, when really she was manically depressed, self medicated, natural red head, that during her first planned pregnancy, took her maternity time to earn an english degree. And to be married at 16, she was only a teenager. When she wrote her autobiography, she said she never felt like a housewife, ignoring her chores and playing with the neighborhood children until her husband called for her, almost as if she was a child. In fact, it's a wonder she ever grew up, the constant emotional beating she must've taken. I can't imagine what it must've been like, to live a topsy-turvy life in the spotlight, looking for love in all the wrong places, and making mistakes with real love. When she died, she sat at the morgue for 3 days before her first Hollywood husband, Joe DiMaggio claimed her body, after divorcing her 8 years before. And it's horrible, the urban legend of what happened to her. For almost 50 years now, rumors, and rumors, and rumors have swirled to this day about her supposed affairs with the Kennedy brothers, John & Robert. Both of whom are rumored to have had Marilyn murderednwhen she wanted one of them to leave his wife and marry her. When you think about it, "I Wanna Be Loved By You" is much deeper than just a silly jazz song, it's what all she ever wanted, to be loved by someone, who cared for her, thought of her, devoted themselves to her. All she aspired to was to find "the one", and look what it got her, a mysterious death, and possibly a romp in the bed after she died with a necgrophelliac, better known as a person who has sexy time with a dead person. No one will ever know why, or how, she died 46 years ago, but she'll always live on, in movies, in film, in the persona she created. Because without that, she's just Norma Jean Mortenson, a curly-haired redhead with a dark past, who never grew up really.

I may not have the dark past, but in a way, me and Marilyn, have something in common.......

Gossip Girl Returns Tonight

My Horizontal Life

No, not MY Horizontal Life, that's currently non-existent (give it a few years, I'm not that old), Chelsea Handler's Horizontal Life. That's right, I FINALLY finished Chelsea's other book. Well, finally, two weeks ago. I was just really lazy with getting around to posting a review on it. SUCKS FOR YOU! Anyway, the book is pure genius. From the start of her sexual life when she ran into her parents' bedroom and took a picture of them having sex, to trying to get her 28 year old, Disney obsessed, virginal roomate that she's nicknamed DumbDumb, laid with the help of a kind male prostitute. Then there's the cruise she took where 1 out 15 people on the ship DIDN'T have a mullet, they only had cheap booze, and she slept with an 18 year old interpretive dancer. She's also been in a long-term relationship with a male stripper who she forced to never tell her his real name, insisting he only go by "Thunder", when with her. This bitch has seen everything this side of the sex rainbow. Now, 1, bitch can be an endearment when coming from the mouth, or rather in this case, fingers, of a homo, 2, this book is equal to, maybe even better than Vodka. And 3, I give it 11 out of 10 stars. Buy it and read it putas! Toodles Betches!

Sugar

Hello tHere, it's you know who, your Serene Highness Lord Stephan Monroe Ravelle of Normandy. JK. Although I did have my geneology traced, and my family's actually descended from somewhere in Normandy, which for you stupid-fucking-idiots out there, is in France (I TOLD I WAS FRENCH!YOU DOUBTERS!YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). Anyway, time to get to what I was actually going to talk about. Parov Stelar. You've probably never heard of the Austrian born DJ, but now you have, and you'll love him. Many recorded DJs cater towards electro, or electro-rock, or even jazz, but not many, electro-jazz. Yes, electro-jazz, a hybrid genre of 1920's jazz and techno. About 9 months ago, I stumbled upon the genius on iTunes, while looking up Ursula 1000, who although is very much just electro, has a few songs that I would generalize as electro-mambo. I of course fell in love, because of, as you know, I have a somewhat odd obsession with the Platinum Era of Jazz. The first song I bought, coincidentally I just realized, was Sugar, which is the name of Marilyn Monroe's character in Some Like It Hot, Sugar Kane. Besides that, the song Kiss Me Twice, is another one of my favorites, calling to my mind the image of a steamship approaching a sprawling city that is what as I can describe as a mixture of San Francisco, New York, Rio De Janeiro, and Paris. Anyway, enough of my babbling, you need to fucking hear his music. The only way of course, besides buying it (YOU CHEAP BASTARDS.Just Kidding!), is, (singing) Myspace! Well, I just bought the song from one of the Gossip Girl commercials, Ca Plane Pour Moi, by Plastic Bertarnd. Toodles Betches!

JIM STURGESS IS A GIFT FROM GOD

OH.MY.GOD. I LOVE JIM STURGESS EVEN MORE! (Jim if you're reading this, I understand I come across as a bit stalker-ish, but come on, I'm the only gay person at a school in a ghetto city in the central valley, what else am I supposed to do besides swoon over you?) I may have said it before, I can't remember, but Jim Sturgess is perfect! He can act, he can sing, he can play a guitar, and he's british. He's almost as divine as me. Yes, I said me. It's called narcicism pendejos, get used to it. Also, yes, I am back from my long overdue hiatus. Why did I go on yet another? SHITTY FUCKING SCHOOL GOT IN MY FUCKING DIVINE WAY! Homework my ass, all it is, is filler. Ffffiillllleerrrrr! Like I really need to know how to do equalities or whatever to be a screenwriter. Seriously, I am going to become a screenwriter, oh wait, you people already know that, and about my remake of Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Wet. Oh, oh, I came up with two tag lines for the posters. The first one, "Get Your Head Out of the Gutter! It Involves A Pool!(then in small print)and the gay mafia.". Then second,"It might not have guys in flapper drag, but is more gender-bending than before". The second poster is going to have just me on a stage doing one of my trademark poses. So, anyway, I'm back, and about the movie.....Jim, once again, if you're reading this, could ypu PLEASE maybe keep some room in your schedule clear after 2010. Please? You'd be terrific in a romantic comedy, especially mine..........

PUTA

Hello there, Stephan Monroe Ravelle is here, and wishes to establish, PUTA. People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. You may be asking, What the fuck is wrong with me? Nothing. You see, I am so fucking tired of PETA putting my people down. Who are my people? Fur lovers. For a few months now, I have had the dream to one day be the owner of a polar bear fur coat with a 7-foot train and grey wolf trim. So, I have decided to form PUTA. Now, you may be pissed off, or you may be laughing over my organization's name, which in spanish, means, cough, cough, whore. But whatever, at least we're not MENSA. I mean seriously, if they're so smart, they would change their name to something mexicans won't laugh their ass off at. What? You don't know what Mensa means? Mensa, means idiot. So, refocusing on my organization, as soon as we get enough funds, we're going to protest PETA, by sending 300 mink coats to their headquarters. Besides that, every time they're seen protesting, my people will show up and throw blue paint on them, and then dead mink corpses. Our offices are also going to have leather wallpaper and wooden paneling made from trees from the Congo. So Pamela Anderson, looks like we can't be friends one day.

I was meant to be 35 in 1935

Recently, I've gone through sort of an epiphany. I have had internet again for the past 5 days, I've just been busy with my epiphany-ing. I have realized that I was meant for another time, literally. For the past few days, all I've had on my mind (besides the Office, Jim Sturgess, John Krasinski, and shopping) is Parov Stelar, The Puppini Sisters^, Bioshock, flappers, and The Chordettes. All of which coming fromn the 1920's through 60's. Even now, when envisioning my red carpet wardrobe, I'm seeing enormous fur coats, flapper hats, long necklaces, silver and white tuxedos, 2 ft long cigaretter holders, and blowing smoke in Ryan Seacrest's face and walking away. The bioshock thing, all I can think of is living in an underwater 1950's metropolitan paradise, before the war that is. You know, I just want to reach out there and spread this decade's counter-culture of the Retro obsessed people. Because, well, back then, things were just, simpler.

Hiatus of a Mad Hispanic/Canadian Homo

Yes, I got that title from Diary of A Mad Black Woman, which by the way, was a good movie, but, Tyler Perry, slow down, we're getting an overflow of Madea. Anyway, be thankful for this post, there is currently an internet fiasco in my not-so-fabulous-home, a big mix up of wireless non-existence, dial-up revertion, and clogged phone calls, and this post is coming from another computer. This is simply me, warning you that I might be gone for little while more, dear three readers. Now, you may be asking about Lollipop (if you're slow or have a bad memory, that's my nickname for Jimmy now, so get with the fucking program.JK. That came off a bit mean), well, since you know of my obsession with him, and some of you maybe, hopefully are getting obsessed too, this is just to tie you over for now. Now, I have to check my email, catch up on fan fiction, and other shit, Toodles!

Apparently A Lesbian Lover is Good For Mental Health

Recently, Lilo was spotted on the set of Ugly Betty for her character arch next season as an former popular class mate turned buger flipper. Many have been talking about how Lilo has practically come out of the closet without coming out of the closet. The thing is instead of talking about her sexuality or what her family thinks, the media has been very positive, the buzz being on how Samantha's pressence in her life has made her so much more visibly happier, and more importantly, kept her out of trouble. We all remember Lilo passing out in that car or trying to run over that tree that kept giving her the stink eye, but she's done with the fine white powder, she's into fish. Ooooh, I am sooooo bad. But who's to blame her, I'm into beef. I am soooooooooo bad. MOVING ON! Recently, Brad Pitt expressed how he'll take legal action if the paps get any pictures that are "suspicious". As in getting the picture by buzzing their mansion in a helicopter. MOVING ON! Recently Amy Winehouse made an apperance at Madame Tussauds. I'm kidding, she was too depressed by her hubie's sentence, but how did they snap this pic? Well honey, it's Madame Tussauds, the home of the wax wonders. So, take a good look, this what she'd look like if she quit the pipe. The highlight of the day is when her parents were overheard talking about how they'd rather trade their's in for this one. I'm noticing something though, LiLo, Amy, Kate Moss, other models. What are the two things they have in common? Thin bodies & Crack. So I can't help but get ideas, what is about crack, that makes people so thin? I mean, look around, woman crackheads, thin. Guy crackheads, lanky. They should see if they can isolate whatever does this, put it in pill form, and market it. I would be poppin' those things like candy. MOVING ON! Ethan Hawke had a baby with his new wife, Ryan Shawhughes, Clementine Jane Hawke. I can only hope the baby looks more like the mother, Ethan is no sight for sore eyes. Ok, I better go, not much to report today, although, I just want to mention, try Ono Hawaiian Barbeque, I had some for dinner last nigh, ugh! De-lish! I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

My So Called Piece of Hot Mess Shit Life

I have nothing to do. Did I tell you I recently discovered the miracle of hairspray? Yes, it's a godesnd. Simply comb, spray, and your do is saved. I Love hairspray now, and that also includes the movie. Oh, I raided my grandmother's jewelry, and I found enough costume jewelry to start a CHANEL boutique. I found this round pendant, and now I'm constantly wearing it, pissing her off. I also got into a bit of a snag at the Burberry website. I really wanted this messenger bag that was only 125 dollars, but yesterday I checked it again, and that's 125 euros. FUCKSHIT. So, I changed the currency, and my expensive yet reasonable bag is 815 U.S. dollars. I am so pissed off. Did you know Eddie Cibrian was born on the same day as my mom. It's true. I'm just so sad because, when he was barely being born, she was 13. My mom is sooooooooooooo old, just like tell her everyday to her face. She's just so old fashioned, she doesn't know the concept of shopping just to shop, doesn't understand my "Valley accent" and how I supposedly "talk too fast", and while she's reaching 50, my friends' parents are at the most pushin' 40. My life is such a hot mess right now, one of my idols is Chelsea Handler, because after reading "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea", I realized that, no offense Chels, her childhood was awful. And from what I can tell, my childhood is going the same way. There's the whole "gay fiasco", my cheap single mother, language buried, somewhat racist, slighty homophobic, ancient mexican grandfather, my also cheap, a little bit more accepting, not racist, not homophobic, nagging, kind of annoying, grandmother, my colorful array of extended family members, which, once they see a chance, like to fan off to the far corners of the country, away from us, me having family in South Carolina, Michigan, Spain, Cuba, Mexico, Colorado, and Canada, and finally this thing people keep telling me about me having no "empathy". Whatever that is, I really have no idea, and whenever I say that people stare. Well, I'm off to go check E!Online. Toodles!

Calm Down

Ok, I'm pretty sure now that Brit-Brit is ok now, because I still haven't heard anything, and all I want to say is, Meaness! How dare people post stupid lies like that she drove into a brick wall and one of her kids are dead. The sad part is she's enough of a mess I believed it instantly. Brit-Brit, what happened to the days of Toxic? Come on, pull yourself together, maybe one day you'll be able to revert back to the olden days of pop, and all of this we'll just be forgotten, like grandparents now and how they were pot-smoking, bi-sexual, hippies in the 60's. You can bounce back, and this'll just be a scar on your past, and you might even up going the same route as Madonna.