Thursday, June 5, 2008

(singing) Lindsay the Lesbian!

Hello Upper West Coasters! Gossip Guy here, and well, it's time for me to sound off on Lindsay and Samantha. Now, some of you may say I shouldn't talk (probably citing my obsessions with Jonathan Togo, Benjamin McKenzie, John Krasinski, and Bret Harrison), but, Lindsay's a Lesbian!!!!!! J.K. But, Samantha Ronson, well I hate to judge just by looks, but the possibility of Sam being gay is very possible in my book (does that make sense?). But come on, does anyone care if fire-crotch is a lesbian? I mean, what if she's bi? There's a lot of people out there now that'll have hot jungle penetration with anyone, or well, I'm not exactly sure what they'd do, as I am not a lesbian. Although I am obviously a fag (yes, i call myself that, because, truthishly, I do nothing for the stereo-type, sorry!). MOVING ON! Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are planning a romantic getaway after their near-breakup, caused by of course, her incest-y father, Joe Simpson, who since day 1, has presurred Tony for marriage and called photogs when Jess and Tony simply wanted some private alone time. We all know what happened the last time Joe got involved in Jess' love life (icksnay, on the Nick Lachey, oh my god, that rhymes!). I only hope they have a chance because Joe Simpson is one of the biggest douche-bags in Hollywood, second only to Dr. Phil, the bald headed, lying, caniving, attention whoring, Texan bastard. Ugh, if I ever meet Dr. Phil, I'll gag myself with a spoon. Then proceed to throw up and loose weight. J.K! J.K! MOVING ON! Jimmy Smitts is due to guest on showtime's Dexter. For 10 of the 12 third seasons' episodes, which isn't exactly a guest starring. Personally, Dexter's kinda hot, but, I know I'll sound crazy, but I really like how he can kill, and kill, and kill, and still no emotion. Plus I think he was Bi or gay in his Six Feet Under stint. MOVING ON! Recently, Paris was caught in a gust of wind, creating rumors she's pregnant, when really, it was just billowing. Trust me, if it was windy enough, my entire school would look pregnant. Well, Suppers calling. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

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My Odd Obsession with Death, Hollywood, and my need to take over the world that I can't shake

Why do I like to wander cemetaries? Why do I love Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Gene Kelley, Princess Diana, Humphrey Bogart, Spencer Tracy, Katherine Hepburn, Aubrey Hepburn, and, suprisingly, Paris Hilton? Why can't I shake the yearning to take over the world and have the world population wait on me hand and foot, fanning me with enormous palm leaves, and buying me anything I desire. I don't know. Some people call me crazy, psychotic, pyro-maniacal, bi-polar, or insane, but its just me. Over time I'm going to reveal the method to my madness, but for today, all I'm going to reveal is this; My one true goal in life, if the world domination thing doesn't work out, is to be famous for nothing, and be treated like royalty. All I Want to be is, quoting one of the people I just talked about, Loved By You. Every single person alive. I want to be a house hold name. Just you watch, one day I'll be smiling from the center of the stage at Grauman's Chinese.