I Monster

Gossip Guy here, and I Have a new musical obsession (if you think it's Jim Sturgess, you're too late, I already fall asleep to the soundtrack). I Monster. It's like nothing you've ever heard, in every good way possible. You've probably heard their music too, one of their music's more known uses is the Spring Dress commercial for Macy's in 2007. If you go to their myspace, there are a couple of songs to listen too which I think are from their next album, and a said song from said commercial, "Daydream in Blue". You know, what other band do you know decorates their website and myspace to look like the acid trip of a british Emo (speaking of british, I'm obsession cheating. There's a certain dead [if you watch Dead Like Me you know what I'm talking about] brit by the name of Callum Blue, uh, HOTNESS!). Especially their song, "Lust for a Vampyr". "Heaven" and "A Sucker for Your Sound" being tied for #2 on my list, all three of which remind me of Dead Like Me. Now, if you go and start looking up Dead Like Me, and happen upon some fan fiction, I'm a Georgia/Mason person. Anyway, back to I Monster, despite the psychadelic music they create, they can have a real sense of humor (hello, Mr. Mallard^), tthe only EP they have available on iTunes, "As Long as there Is You and Me" being a display of that, christmas decorations moved to resemble something crazy women cut off of cheating men. Listen to them!

For All The Straight Men (If Any)

Well, the "nGelina" of "Brangelina" has put up one of her leather coats up for auciton for charity. So, if you're a straight guy obsessed with her as much as I'm obsessed with Jim Sturgess, a woman who hates her and wants to prove you look better, an idolizing female who wants to be "Just Like Her" or a lesbian stalker, you better cough up at least, AT LEAST, three grand, and be anorexic, she's an extra-small. Personally, if I had the money, I'd buy it, let that money go to charity, then sell it before my 70th birthday to get some work done to look 25 again. Am I a planner or what? Snip! Snip! Hmph, reminds me of that song "Perfect Lie" by The Engine Room. It's the theme song to "Nip/Tuck" something straight men might wanna see as they're very loose with the television censorship. I just watch it and wait for the guys to show up, although I did like the episode with the Number #1 Marilyn Monroe impersonator, what can I say, my role-models are Marilyn Monroe, Jayne Mansfield, Jean Harlow, and Mae West. Ok, I better go before I keep babbling uncontrolably. Toodles!

(whispering quickly) OBSESSION

Once again, I spent another hour staring at the JSO gallery and I just had to post this picture. I'm amazed I haven't made a Shrine to Jim yet, Do you think I'm a little TOO obsessive? Well, go ahead and enjoy the sweet, sweet, eye candy. Who could resist that adorable smile and those big brown eyes?

Once I Had A Love, It Was A Gas

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy Here. If you're wondering about today's title, well, after a five day hiatus (or was it more?), I was kinda title-idea dry, so, if you're still wondering, it's part of the lyrics to my only favorite song of the 80's, Heart of Glass. Well, getting down to business, George Carlin has died, yes, the man (who most of you who are reading this have never heard of) who was first to say the famous phrase "motherfucker" on television has died. He was 71, starting his career on The Tonight Show with Johny Carson in 61' (or was it 59'?), performing all the way up to a week ago at a New York comedy club. Well, you may not know who he is, but just remember that if it wasn't for him, you would have a problem with me just blurting out, ASSFUCK! MOVING ON! Recently, E!Online wanting to be fair to the celebrities they show half or almost completely naked daily on their website, have offered up one of their own as a sacrifice, posting photos of The Soup's Joel McHale taking a dip in a pool in Oahu, which if you're retarded or just fucking stupid, is in Hawaii. Now, besides the fact he's with his two year old son, Edward, he's definitly a sight for sore eyes, hopefully proving I'm not crazy for have founding him slightly hot, maybe even sexy the past 5 years that I knew of E!'s existence, although I've only known the whole "I think I'm a fag" thing for about a year and a half now, which doesn't exactly add up, but what the fuck, who gives a shit about math. Click here for the funny family man pics, or should I say pecs? Oooooh, I'm bad. MOVING ON! At a recent court hearing, Brit-Brit was given more visitation rights, ergo, sleepovers, which is hopefully good news for the recent rumors that Brit-Brit poured he heart out to K-Fed to get back together and is seriously thinking about it. Now, some may say it's just getting crackheads back together, but, at least they're a family, I mean, no one can be worse than Amy Winehouse, her lungs filled with gunk. Oooohhhhh, I'm bad. MOVING ON! Amy Winehouse was revealed to have (something, can't remember name) and has, has to STOP, drugs or else she'll die. What a great wake-up call. MOVING ON! Heidi Montag has recently released a new single, and, at first I hated it, but then, don't hate me, I kinda liked it. "Oooooooooooh, La, La, La, We Love, Designers". Listen to it for yourself: "Fashion". Well, Blogger is gonna go down for a while now, so.....I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Some Like It Hot

Despite the fact I'm writing the remake, I love Some Like It Hot. It is so funny, it was called "The Funniest Comedy of All Time". That's right all time. One of the reasons I seem to love it though, is the Marilyn Monroe factor. Of course you know of my love for the song "I Wanna Be Loved By You" and how I'm planning on singing it at the 85th Annual Academy Awards (oh wait, you don't know that), but it's just, I don't know, I just love it. If you've never seen it, it's about two guys, Joe and Jerry, two musicians working at a speakeasy during the prohibition. After the place gets busted, they have to find work, but witness a mob killing trying to get to an audition. Fearing for their lives, they crossdress and join an all girl band on it's way to Florida, meeting Sugar Kane (Marilyn) along the way on the train, which by the way leads to a sleeping car berth cocktail party. In Florida, they learn Sugar is desperate for a rich Sugar daddy. Getting an idea, Joe becomes a double agent, posing as the rich, yet somewhat seclusive playboy heir to Shell Oil Company in order to woo Sugar. Meanwhile, the Jerry finds himself being come on to by an old rich widower. At first he tries to shoo him, then goes along with it when he finds out the real numbers to the old bat's fortune. Things are going well until the hotel is host to a gathering of the "Lovers of the Italian Opera Association", a clever cover for the Chicago-Italian Mafia. The end leading to a wild goose chase between the three of them, ending with the four in the rich old bat's boat, Joe and Sugar together, and Jerry revealing he's a man, the old koot saying one of the most popular phrases in history, "Well, nobody's perfect". You can see why I love this movie. If you're as interested in The Golden Era of Hollywood as I am, watch this movie or die. I swear to god you'll love it!WATCHitBITCH!
Joe romances Sugar
Jerry sacrifices dignity for millions
The boys turned girls in their draggy glory

CHANEL-Cruise 2008-9

Hello bitches, it's been slow today, plus I've had to be on birthday duty all day, so, to entertain you for now, I present the Chanel podcast; Cruise 2008-9-the end.

(european accent) NO PICTURES

Hello bitches, your probably wondering why I was absent today. Well, as you all know, the 15th is father's day, and although I haven't seen my father in 8 years (no, I am not ghetto, I live in Pacific Gardens), I still have a grandfather, plus, to make things more annoying, tomorrow is my grandfather's birthday, then the 18th is my mother's. It's times like this when I thank god I have a second birthday via mexican culture (yes, I'm mehican, no, it's not a typo), Dia De San Esteban, the day when everyone in my family worships me. Apparently some guy in Mexico came over some hill and saved some village. Well, I'm off to write, I have a new idea for a novel about a young married couple who die in 1925 and start haunting their house- that they only lived in for 1 year before they died-when a family moves in after the house has been empty for 85 years. That's all I have so far. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

The Office

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and Rashida Jones might be starring in the much buzzed about Office spin-off. Or, might not be. NBC insists she's going to be on the spin-off while her reps say they've never gotten any contact from NBC. So, judging by the situation, don't get your hopes up. Although no one knows exactly who will be in the spin-off, or what'll it be about, many have guessed as to what they would want it to be. Personally, I hope Dwight gets transferred, Pam gets promoted to salesman, and gets the desk next to Jim. Footsy, and dropping pencils to kiss under the desk ensues. Meanwhile in the spin-off, Dwight is dealing with a new branch in the countryside where everyone acts like him, and Pam's old position has been taken by Rachael Harris' character, and instead of giving in to Michael's sometimes idiotic requests like Pam, she talks some sense into him which leads to an awkward dominatrix situation at least once an episode. MOVING ON! Recently Dr. Drew Pinsky (the man behind celebrity rehab and Oprah's go-to guy for psychiatric advice) commented that people drawn to so-called religions (cults, or I'm gonna admit, Hiltonism), often have issues with childhood trauma, neglect, or (the most probable for me) mental illness. Besides me, his comment very much insulted Tom Cruise, a very large advocate for the church of Scientology, or as most other religions call it, the church of B.S. Pushing Tomcat to call up his lawyers. Well, I'm still waiting for the Popo to drag Tomcat away in a straight jacket, so, cross your fingers. MOVING ON! Sorry for the little posting today, but today was restock the house day, and I was dragged to every bulk club, grocery store, and discount department store in town. Plus, I'm really tired, I didn't fall asleep until 5:36 this morning. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

THE BITCHES ARE GETTING MARRIED!

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here with BREAKING NEWS, the bitchy idiots Spencer and Heidi are getting married, and on tv. Yes, I know, they are soooooooooooooooo annoying, god I wish they would just die! Look at us over here! Blah, Blah, Blah! Did you know that Spencer had 20,000 dollars worth on his taxes for PAYING, the paparazzo's to take pictures of him. These people shouldn't be getting married they should be getting hung from the "H" of the Hollywoodland sign. MOVING ON! Last time we heard from Lily Allen, she had miscarriage barely 3 months into her pregnancy, now, she's gotten over it, in L.A, and now a fellow blogger. But, people are still worried, I quote her comments on the photogs,"They were perfectly pleasant, in fact, we had a bit of a laugh with them and I quite fancied one of them". Many, many, people are worried that Adnan is going to strike again, or has already struck, Lilys a pinkhead now, and we all remember the famous wig worn by Brit-Brit soon after she met Adnan. MOVING ON! Apparently Justin Timberlake is well endowed, he says that after his Love Guru character, Jacques "Le Coq" Grande, he wants to play comedic roles that envolve, um, the size of his, "Le Coq". Obviously, he's joined the Hollywood "I Love Myself Club", and all I have to say is, "Welcome!". MOVING ON! (and glancing at my reflection) Apparently, (insert Justin Timberlake singing here) Madonna is going to have all her secrets spilled, because her brother, Christopher Ciccone has signed a book deal to detail his life growing up with the now world famous pop diva, whom I'm suprisingly not that into. I guess I do one thing for the stereotype. Anyways, I'm actually looking forward to this, because, after Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea (which I'll post a review on when I finish reading it) I am going straight to celebrity memoirs! Besides, celebrities are either stupid, or not really interested writing, so the memoirs are short (I said usually, I still think you're smart Chelsea, well, at least smarter than me, which I realize could still be an insult). Well, I Love the 80's is on, and I just realized I actually do like the 70's and 80's. See you for the nightly post. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Dirt Bites the Dust

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and it looks like Courtney Cox is out of an acting job. FX's Dirt, a show about a magazine editor who'll do anything to get the best picture, even if it's technical stalking has been canned. Personally, I never saw the show, but I just love the dress in that picture. Something about huge, overly large, long-trained dresses sits with me. MOVING ON! In a recent sighting, Paris has proved that celebrities are people too, when she decided on Cap'n Crunch instead of Lucky Charms at small grocery store in old Hollywoodland. For once she's waking up with the guy the night after. Oh wait, Benji. MOVING ON! Recnt rumours that Miley Montana was dating a 22 year old back-up dancer (Brit-Brit all over again) were dispelled when BFF Mandy told Ryan Seacrest "she's totally single". Happily, MOVING ON! There's also been rumors of a Gossip Girl spin-off, centering around Little Jenny Humphrey, but that was also sadly dispelled by Josh Schwartzman who I'll never forgive for killing Marissa on The O.C. And I definitly will never forgive him for breaking up Serena and Dan, well, that was your high noon post, see you round' five-ish. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

One Last Thing

I just wanted to say, that, I haven't read the Pushing Daisies wikipedia page in a while, and, they approved the new season on my birthday! That's right bitches, I share my birthday with the inventor of the light bulb, and Rachel from Friends.

Nocturnal Ramblings

God,I just can't seem to sleep, from thinking about Jimmy^, to my new novel about Santa Clause and Cupid (who's a woman in my story) having a love child, leaving him at an orphanage to find him as the Santa at Macy's 30 years later. That one will star Ben and Mischa as the holiday mascott offspring and his love interest in the movie version. Hopefully I can write a novel where movie version's cast will include Jimmy. You know, I wonder which he prefers, Jim, or Jimmy. Well, I like Jimmy. As I sit here on my bed, laptop in front of me, and watch t.v, I wonder why I watch shows like Becker. Do you know any teenagers who watch Becker, or The Office, or Pushing Daisies (which I am soooo excited about, next season). Sometimes I wonder if I was meant for this life. I mean , I just feel like I'm meant for something soooooooooo much bigger. I mean I watch stuff like that, while my friends watch "The Wizards of Waverly Place", which I didn't know what it was until I stumbled upon it on iTunes looking for Waverly Hills Sanitorium. Well, once again, I'm going to attempt to get up early, so, Nighty Night.

Don't Hate Me, But......

.........Doesn't Ed Westwick look a least a little bit like Rudolph Valentino, I mean, maybe even a tiny bit, the eyes, the nose, anything. I just see likenesses a lot.

Cute, Sexy, and Entertaining

How many guys, are cute, adorable, sexy, and can entertain you. Jim Sturgess can. Maybe you might see why he's my latest obsession.

COVER UP FIRECROTCH!

Hello Upper West Siders, Gossip Guy here, and this fag is disgusted by LiLo's new ad for Visa Swap. Apparently her Marilyn Monroe recreation wasn't distasteful enough. I mean, who wants to see this bitch, I mean, really, what man would want to go out with her, she's just such a hot mess right now. God, I hope she doesn't do playboy, or else the mansion's gonna have a new red carpet. FIRECROTCH! Obviously I was always on Paris' camp during the feud. To sum it up, COVER UP FIRECROTCH! The thing is, the organization isn't so bad, turn in old clothes for the needy, and you get cash points on your Visa card. Goodbye Cambridge Classics, Hello Burberry. MOVING ON! Shia La Beouf dropped the faggot bomb, calling his friend one in a recent YouTube vid. Frankly, I don't see the big deal, this fag uses the word all the time, well not ALL the time, but if I'm really pissed, or just being soooo gay, there's no other description. He says he's soooooooo embarrased. SHUT UP. MOVING ON! Rumors of Nicole Kidman posing nude in Vogue a La Demi Moore, have been disproved by the fact she had a very expensive dress commisioned just for the shoot. MOVING ON! George Clooney recently kept a promise to let one of his ex's (Sarah Larson) best friends use his Lake Como villa for their honeymoon. Well, nothing else for today, see you later if I have any babbling to do. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Goodbye, Yves

Hello Dear Upper West Coasters, We are here today to mourn the death of Yves Saint-Laurent, one of the greastest designers of all time. He saved Dior from ruin, moving on to help define many eras, much like Chanel or Givenchy, dressing the stars of Hollywood. Now, we can only hope that he becomes a star, and achieves divine happiness in the after-life. Because, I think we all become stars when we die, and we're able to watch our family and friends move on, and enjoy their own lives. He is survived by his business partner, and former lover, Pierre Berge. We all love you, and will miss you Yves, Goodbye.

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Yves Saint Laurent

August 1st, 1936 to June 1st, 2008

Brooke's Freaked By Her New Daddie

Hello Upper West Coasters! Gossip Guy Here, and J.K!J.K! Linda Hogan, Brooke Hogan's mom is not getting married, but she is dating a 19 year old, which, when your a year older than your mom's boyfriend, you might be a little crazy. I mean, how would you feel if your 48 year old (the same age as my mother by the way, and although she isn't as beautiful and voluptious as most Hollywood stars, she definitley, DEFINITLY, looks better than Linda, cough, cough, fake tan) mother started dating someone 29 years younger. Obviously, my mother would never do that, as she's dating someone older, and I'm not saying I would tell her who to date, but if it was someone younger, I probably would have some comments (speaking of comments, would it hurt to click on the little button down there and write some shit the fuck down, I would like some feedback bitches). Besides, my mom always denies he's her boyfriend even though she called him for an hour and a half on his birthday. MOVING ON! Apparently John Favreau, director of blockbuster hit, Iron Man, doesn't like his day job anymore. Marvel recently told him to have the sequel, Iron Man II, ready by April 2010, according to him though, that would only be half the time it took for the first movie, and boy, is he angry. According to E!, he whined, and whined, and whined all over his myspace, complaining about time, materials, blah, blah, blah. Well, if I ever see Iron Man, it'll be for Robert Downey Jr., who's miraculously regained his sexiness, but, about the other movies, we'll have wait and see. What other movies? Well, 2010 will see Iron Man II, & Thor. While 2011 will see Captain America, and The Avengers. Now, don't tell anyone, but I don't know who Captain America or The Avengers are, so, if someone ever does get around to posting some comments, please explain. MOVING ON! Mark Wahlberg, another object of my obsession (him and George Clooney are the only older guys I'm Into), has announced he's expecting with his long-time main squeeze, Rhea Durham. But has also said, that besides starting a family, the only other reason he's been procreating he explains, is to have a Partridge Family Style Golf League. Yes, he wants to start a Golf League with his now tiny tots one day. Just think, one day you'll hear of Mark, Ella (now 4), Michael (now 2), and baby( no name yet, duh!) Wahlberg teeing off at the Lake Tahoe Golf Tournament. MOVING ON! Coldplay has postponed their tour by 2 weeks due to unknown reasons, disappointing many (it might've disappointed me, if I lived in SoCal, but alas, I'm stuck in The Valley, or NorCal). It sure would've been great though to hear Viva La Vida live. That song just speaks to on soooooooo many levels. If only I could explain it, though, I'm pretty sure if was able to describe the feelings I get when I hear that song, the world would erupt into fire and brimstone. Anyway, Viva La Vida the album drops June 17. Well, I'll see you for the nightly report, and maybe some more ramblings like how Jim Sturgess is the sexiest british man I've ever seen. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Smurftastic!

Hello Upper West Coasters! Gossip Guy here, and it's gettin' smurfy up in hur! That's right bitches, Columbia & Sony Pictures have purchased the rights to the little blue shits and are hoping for it to have a bigger comeback than Winnie the Pooh back in 03'. Well, let's all hope it falls through faster than Tom Cruise's next movie. Because let's face it, the only way the Smurfs are entertaining is if your 5 or high on dope and/or crack. Obviously the last time I saw it was when I was 5, either that or there would be a lot of obvious spelling and grammar mistakes. MOVING ON! As I type, I'm watching Christine by Stephen King, and, wow. That car is a crazy bitch. I mean, hello, the car locked the dude's girlfriend inside, put on love music, then tried to strangle her. MOVING ON! Apparently Mimi besides getting emancipated is tripping over her shitty feet in Havaii, shooting the music video for her new single, which, from what I'm told, is something along the lines of Me Love You Long Time. Well, it's only high noon, see you around the evenin' time. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Cute with Chris

Don't let the sultry picture fool you, Chris Leavins is the host of the internet famous "Cute with Chris" show, counting down the cutest puppies, kittens, and strangley grotesque yet cute new-born birds. Despite that, he also propelled Jonathan Togo into the hormone-addled minds of girls everywhere (and boys such as myself), creating the fanbase that is now large enough, that last year at the CSI: Miami season premiere party, an entire crowd of screaming teeny-boppers told him to take it off. Now, getting back to Chris, he is a fellow kanook (although he was actually born in Canada, unlike myself who is descended, from Canadianism) and, I'm not sure, but I think he's straight, judging by his line of work though (showcasing cute animals and the occasional guy) anyone could think otherwise. Frankly, if Jonathan Togo (who is now dead last on my hotness list) is ever brought up again, I'm simply going to sneak in the name, Jim Sturgess. And, when you think about it, Chris ain't so bad either, hell, the white suit from Cute With Chris Live was, actually kinda sexy. Well, I plan on waking up early tomorrow, or today, so nighty-night.

You'll Never See Me Again

No, I'm not disappearing forever, that's just part of the lyrics from September's last single, "Cry for You". You've probably never heard of September as she's from Sweden, but she's pretty big in Europe. With already 3 albums realeased there and an already large following, it's hard to imagine she just released her first american album. The thing about September is that, sure, pop is still (british accent) "Major" in Europe, but here in America, her music beckons back to a time when Ryan Gosling was just cute, Britney and Justin were america's sweet couple, Britney alone was singing poppy tunes everywhere, and Christina was still Dirrrrty. Her song "Satellites" definitley reminds you of this awkward era of 90's clashing with the New Millenium, and teen popness. But don't take my word for it, she has at least 10 videos on YouTube, so, hello, check her out! Personally, I obviously prefer Cry for You & Satellites. Toodles!

Hey Jimmy

See my point. Isn't he just the cutest! Plus this picture is very sexy, so, yeah, I just crossed the bridge from calling him cute to sexy.

Hello Baby Warren/Alba!

Hello Upper West Coasters! Gossip Guy here, and Jessica Alba has delivered her baby! That's right, healthy baby-girl, Honor Marie Warren was born to the 27 and 29 year old in the wee hours of Sunday morning. Here's to a new girl! Now, it isn't that I don't care about her, but, I have gossip to report, so..........MOVING ON! Jessica-to-the-Simpson has decided to, cough, cough, start a lingerie line. Now is it just me, or is Jessica a little desperate for Tony's attention. You know, on the subject of Sexual innuendos, I really hope John and Jen (A. & M. duh!) end up together, married and have a bunch of little musicians and friends. And the two die together in a quick and painless plane crash sometime in the future, so you know, they die old, but won't die young, plus they'll be together. (Glassy eyes) God, I am such a hopeless romantic it isn't funny. I mean just look at the days of Hollywoodland, Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, I'm still waiting for the next famous romantic Hollywood couple. Now some of you may be screaming, Brangelina! Jen & Ben! Maybe even David & Courtney, but there just are'nt any couples now that are as romantic, loving, and have such a screen pressence as some of the couples of the Golden Era, or maybe even better, the Platinum Era. I'm just saying......MOVING ON! Tori Spelling was checked into Sedar Sinai yesterday for his schedueled C-Section, getting on the same band-wagon as Jessica. Now, I don't know much about the pregnant man, but why did he pick the same hospital, and the same day as Jessica? I bet he schedueled it the day before, getting the spot just because, "He's Tori Spelling!". And did it to get the same attention as Jessica who's obviously a bigger star and will hopefully be in one of the movies I'm writing as Jonathan Togo's charcater's love interest (What? There is nothing wrong when you cast the movie version of the novel your writing). UGH! MOVING ON! Leonardo DiCaprio (who was hotter in his Titanic days in my opinion) has been set to star in the new biopic, Atari, the story of Nolan Bushnell, the inventor of the then famed video-game console who was forced out of the company when it went big, only to find wealth again as the founder of Chuck E. Cheese's. Despite looking absolutely fugly with a beard in this blogger's opinion, he's also going to star in House of Lies, due out this October, and Revolutionary Road with is nautical love, Kate Winslet. MOVING ON! Coming 2013 (thankfully after the supposed end of the world) is Brokeback Mountain: The Opera. Yes, that's right, O-P-E-R-A. Frankly, I see it flopping (now pun intended), as 1, you can't make up this shit, and 2, what, are you going to hear falcettos during the tent scene? I honestly think this going to be worse than the Spiderman musical, although lot's of things could be worse than the Spiderman musical, as Jim Sturgess could be the star, and frankly, I've dumped Jonathan Togo as my obsession, my new obsession is all Jim. I just love his cute baby face, and adorable smile. MOVING ON! (before I start babbling about him) Recently, Suri Cruise was the hostess with the mostest at a recent celebrity playdate with guests suck as Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz Beckham. Well, let's hope she becames a socialite and not a caged, personality-less, actress. Anyway, I need to do other things besides this, like gawk at Jim Sturgess, or watch reruns of Friends. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Tony Has a Gay Guy Doing His Dirty Work?

Recently, while gettting ready for a photoshoot in Nashville, the photogs (who were snooping in the dressing room) caught Jessica Simpson's hair stylist (who's presumably gay) taking pics of her ass on his phone............ and sending them to Tony. That's right, Joe messed up their relationship so badly, the only way for them to connect now is through naughty (and somewhat immature) messades. I hope they can escape Joe one day and have what Jen and John (Anniston and Mayer) have. Love that's so deep you have to make out every 20 minutes and have sex every hour. And now that John's met the Arquettes, who seem to be in an odd parental role for Jen right now, I hear wedding bells! MOVING ON! Lynda Carter, most famous for being Wonder Woman recently did a favor to society. Rowing down the Potamac in D.C., she came upon a dead body floating in the water. Without a cell phone, she called over to a fishing boat and the mess was cleaned up. Frankly, I don't know why I'm reporting this, the last few days have been slow, and who wants to hear about Clint Eastwood? What is he, 90? Although, I would like to ask all of you (all 3 of you) to watch iLove The New Millenium on June 23rd. I've been waiting for the I Love the 2000's for so long now, ugh, I'm just so excited! I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

(snobby voice) Ultra-Lounge Darling, Ultra-Lounge

Hello Darlings, I'm here to tell you about Ultra-Louge (wow, I just sounded like a cheesy cd collection commercial). Although you've probably never heard of it, you must check it out. It take's you back to a time, a simpler time when a nice samba by the lagoon-shaped pool behind your flat-roofed, floor-to-ceiling windowed house was an everyday event. Especially Vol.9, track 16. The song is called So Nice, but it's real name is Samba De Verao, or, in translation, Summer Samba. Either way, the world of Ultra-Lounge defines me, and, if you don't like it, GO TO HELL! LIVE WITH IT BITCH! By the way, you might also want to check out, The Girl from Ipanema, by Astrud Gilberto. Ex-wife of Joao Gilberto, who's daughter with another woman thinks she can sing every sing ever done by Astrud just because she's her father's ex. See you in Ipanema one day!

Miley Montana the Crook!

Hello Upper West Coasters. Gossip Guy here, and it looks like Miley Montana or Hannah Cyrus, or whatever the hell her name is might be in some trouble. Apparently, Disney (god for young children, satan for everyone else) stole the idea of a regular girl moonlighting as a pop diva. Speaking of Diva, am I the only one that thinks she looks like a cheap whore in this picture? The fake hair, caked makeup, very awkward pose with the mic. Anyway, the guy wants his monetary dues, but Disney denies everything, probably because Hannah Montana is the biggest cash cow since Britney, Justin, Christina, and Ryan pranced around singing on the Mickey Mouse Club. Wait, I just had a revalation. Look at them now, Britney Spears is going through an obvious mental breakdown, Justin Timberlake's latest album is about sex, plus, he's sporting nothing but a speedo in The Love Guru, Christina Aguilera just stopped being Dirrrrrty last year, and Ryan Gosling, well, when it comes to acting parts, its like he bi-polar. First he's a white supremacist, then a hopeless romantic, then blow-up doll enthusiast, and now a first time detective in his next movie. Look at these four people, they're all over the place! Who nows what's in store for Miley Montana. I can see it now, "............found dead, in her bathtub, Tuesday morning". MOVING ON! In a recent interview, Steve Carell said that he found out The Rock is a good kisser and smells like Strawberry Shortcake, when their characters kissed in the up-coming, Get Smart. A remake of the classic tv show that my mom and grandma used to watch.

I was gonna try and see it, but now, I HAVE TO! MOVING ON! Recently, on my local news, there was a preview of news at 11, and there's a story about footage of cops in the station playing Ring-Around-the-Rosie and Leap Frog when nobody was looking. I'll keep you posted. Well, I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

AS IF!!!!

I may be about 13 years late, but I gotta admit, there are two movies that to this day, define the world I'm in. Clueless and MeanGirls. In Clueless, it's just the fact that, sometimes, I really don't have a clue. How do I know if I'm Clueless? Well, someone usually explains it to me when I get the stupid face I get when I'm, Clueless. Then, there's Dionne and Murray. In real life, there is a couple in my class, who treat eachother like shit and are currently apart, but behind closed doors, they're still head-over-heels for eachother and a rumored get-back-together next year. Then, of course, there's the clothes. Hollister and A&F all the way.

Then, there's Mean Girls. And, of course there's an Aaron in my class, except, right now, he has no Regina, and about 4 Catie's. Then, although there's no real leader, there is a group, that's very stylish, fashion-forward, and popular. Sometimes it seems though like they temporarily have a leader, and trade leadership. Anyway, if you have never seen these movies (and if you haven't, are you living under a rock?), see them now. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

(singing) Lindsay the Lesbian!

Hello Upper West Coasters! Gossip Guy here, and well, it's time for me to sound off on Lindsay and Samantha. Now, some of you may say I shouldn't talk (probably citing my obsessions with Jonathan Togo, Benjamin McKenzie, John Krasinski, and Bret Harrison), but, Lindsay's a Lesbian!!!!!! J.K. But, Samantha Ronson, well I hate to judge just by looks, but the possibility of Sam being gay is very possible in my book (does that make sense?). But come on, does anyone care if fire-crotch is a lesbian? I mean, what if she's bi? There's a lot of people out there now that'll have hot jungle penetration with anyone, or well, I'm not exactly sure what they'd do, as I am not a lesbian. Although I am obviously a fag (yes, i call myself that, because, truthishly, I do nothing for the stereo-type, sorry!). MOVING ON! Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are planning a romantic getaway after their near-breakup, caused by of course, her incest-y father, Joe Simpson, who since day 1, has presurred Tony for marriage and called photogs when Jess and Tony simply wanted some private alone time. We all know what happened the last time Joe got involved in Jess' love life (icksnay, on the Nick Lachey, oh my god, that rhymes!). I only hope they have a chance because Joe Simpson is one of the biggest douche-bags in Hollywood, second only to Dr. Phil, the bald headed, lying, caniving, attention whoring, Texan bastard. Ugh, if I ever meet Dr. Phil, I'll gag myself with a spoon. Then proceed to throw up and loose weight. J.K! J.K! MOVING ON! Jimmy Smitts is due to guest on showtime's Dexter. For 10 of the 12 third seasons' episodes, which isn't exactly a guest starring. Personally, Dexter's kinda hot, but, I know I'll sound crazy, but I really like how he can kill, and kill, and kill, and still no emotion. Plus I think he was Bi or gay in his Six Feet Under stint. MOVING ON! Recently, Paris was caught in a gust of wind, creating rumors she's pregnant, when really, it was just billowing. Trust me, if it was windy enough, my entire school would look pregnant. Well, Suppers calling. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Who's the Next Marilyn? I am.

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and if you're wondering where I've been, well, school, and reading The O.C. fan fiction (Benjamin McKenzie=Hottest Guy Ever). You see, I don't know why, and I may have said this before, but for some reason, I'm really into shows that have been canceled. Will & Grace, Friends, Everybody Loves Raymond, Dharma & Greg, I Love Lucy, Green Acres, THE O.C., and Bewitched. Now, getting to the title, in recent weeks, there has been a lot of buzz surrounding the late, Norma Jean Watson, better known as Marilyn Monroe. Hold on, I'm watching Cloverfield as I type, and, Bloomingdales? You set up a field hospital in Bloomingdales? Where people blow up? Bitches. Anyway, as you may know, it was recently found that Marilyn may have made an early sex tape, or sex reel in this case. Now, just two days ago, they found a reel of some of last footage of Marilyn before she died in 1962. And I have two things to say. 1;I miss you! You should have never died young! 2; Her hair looks good there, why wasn't it usually like that? I just want to say though, that one day you will hear of me, Stephan Monroe Ravelle (stage name, clever huh?). Then one day you might even hear of one of my children (after carrying around an egg for five days, I just want a little person to spoil and corrupt), Leeland, Soylynn, Melon, and Tramp (boy,girl,girl,boy, hopefully). MOVING ON! While I was gone, it was said that the CW may be coming to an end after it's short 2 year life. You see, the CW, well, is like the Ross (store) of network television. It's cheap, ugly, dirty, misplaced, unorganized, shitty. But if you look hard enough, you can walk out with a living room set that rivals IKEA. So, on May 20th, Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill made it the most watched Monday in the CW's history. You see, even Entertainment Weekly said about the CW's shows, "they are some of the greatest programs out there, it's just, it's, THE CW. Before May 20th, one of the owners even thought about quiting, and abandoning the network, without even selling his portion. Now that's bad, and now, many are wondering, was the infamous UPN-WB merger, a mistake? We'll have to wait and see, it may be a Disneyland story (the park's anniversary is intentionally set the day after the real opening, yeah, that bad) or it may be an, (chokes on spitt, and chokes the words out) Arch Deluxe story. It was McDonald's super-mega hyped up burger said to be the biggest thing since the Big Mac. It is now in the corporate hall of fame as the biggest corporate failure in history. Either way, next year they're unveiling 90210, the update of the 90's hit, which I am very interested in as the science teacher is a 20 year old genius who is also genius in, cough, cough, hotness. According to E!News, he may even get wrapped up in a teacher student affair seeing as the kids treat him like one of their own (What? IS there something wrong about watching E! 3 hours a day?). MOVING ON! Besides Ben McKenzie (if you look him up, use his full name, there's some skinny little gay Australian guy with same name that goes by Ben), NBC season finales, and shitty school, the reason why I haven't updated in a while is because I stay up late a lot, and although I'm averagely energetic and slightly perky when I'm at school, as soon as I get home, I pass out from tiredness (Is that a real word?). Watev, I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!