I Know I'm A Bit Late.....

This is for Eartha Kitt, who died on Christmas Day, who ironically, is most famous for singing "Santa Baby". She was 81. -sigh-, All the people from my favorite eras are dying.

I'm Dreaming of a Pink Christmas

Hello Dahling Upper California Coasters, Merry Late Christmas. Yep, I'm late by about 2, no, it's 1 am, 3 days. Oh well, tas loco if you think I'm ever going to be on time.Anyway, I'm a bit excited this year, I got a trip to Hawaii! YAY! OHMIGAWD. Ugh, finally, HAWAII! Ugh, the only thing that could've been better would've been if I'd found a bi-sexual clone of John Krasinski that didn't age under the tree. WHAT?! WHO SAID THAT?! I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY"RE TALKING ABOUT! johnkrasinskisfuckingsexy. I have no idea what's going on. Well, Merry Christmas, NOT, Happy Holidays, that's fucking P.C. B.S. Finally, I can take off this red and green nail polish and go back to black.

HANNAH MONTANA IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL

Hello Upper California Coasters, I'd just like to say something, HANNAH MONTANA IS SATAN. No other person has more product endorcements than her. Today, while shopping at the always bulk-stocked Costco, I saw a Hannah Montana HAMPER. What. The Fuck? A Hamper?! Jesus Christ and a Cross! For Dior's sake! A hamper? Her face, was on a hamper! Then later at Walgreens, I saw a flashlight. And all of this is raking in millions from the stupid, idiotic, dumb-ass, suburban parents of bitchy little girls who scream and pout and yell if they don't get what they want. All because of THAT BITCH. You see, this is what Disney is now, a money-hungry corporation that churns out 'wholesome' tv shows and crappy and poorly written tv movies. Like High School Musical. Supposedly all these kids LOVE to sing, have never said a curse word in their lives, have never done anything illegal, are all virgins, and NOT gay. Yeah, and I'm not a big homo who wears pearls and CHANEL No.5 daily who's obsessed with Jim Sturgess & John Krasinski and is clinically allergic to Walmart. Disney is not what it used to be, and that is why, I stopped watching the Disney Channel two years ago. So please, please, if you still watch that horrible trash, STOP WATCHING IT. Anyway, I gotta go, I've recently discovered Gossip Girl-Chuck & Dan slash fanfiction (whodathunkit?). Toodles, I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

I'm going to sing this one day,

Yup, one day, someone will have me sing Happy Birthday to them in front of thousands of people. Who it'll be, well you'll have to guess.

Hey Ya'll.......

Okay, so I know I've been away for a while, I've been getting lazy with the posts. But I'm Back Ya'll (i'm sorry, recent Brit-Brit overload). Anyways, so, ya'll, damnit, I mean, you all know (all 3 of you) that I had a bit of a thing for Jim Sturgess. I haven't posted anything on him in a while so as to not seem so crazy, but, I seem to be becoming obsessed with someone else lately. Ok, so I'll just come out and say it, I am simoultaneously obsessed with Jim Sturgess (Schmookie) and John Krasinski (Pookie). Now, if you don't mind, i'm off to Bergdorf Goodman dot com.Toodles.

Ain't He Cute, I Wanna Feed Him Cookies, Then Drench Him With Water In A White Shirt.

Obsession, that perfume was definitely made with me in mind.

OMG........Again.

Sorry, I just can't seem to shut the fuck up, but, OMG! Did you see the Office tonight?! OHMYGAWD. Jim bought Pam a house, A HOUSE. Oh. My. God. This is like, I don't know, soooooo big. To go from suppressed feelings of love masked by friendship to full blown married couple in a house in like 3 years, OHMYGAWD. God, I just love this show. I swear if it was ever canceled I would lie in bed and cry for days. Ugh, I can't wait for the children! Just think, a bunch of little boys and girls with penchants for pranks and art. -sigh-, Life is so much better when you have the lives of fake people to obsess over so you don't realize how much of a hot-mess your life is. Ok, too much information. BTW, this is completely random, but, am I the only person who's noticed Ben Affleck's receding hairline? Hmph, I may say I'm blind, but that's just because I'm a sarcastic bitch. I don't need my (extremely strong, seriously other people have put them on and almost fainted) glasses to see that growing forehead. Anyway, Toodles!

Wwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy???????

Hello Upper California Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and pardon my drama, but, WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYY??????!!!!!!! Paris and Benji broke up! It's soooooo sad. I loved them together! They were such a cute couple! WHY?! This, was like, the best thing that ever happened to her, because, she wasn't going out as much anymore, she was contemplating kids, she didn't even WANT to go clubbing anymore! God, I am soooooooooooo sad right now. They were perfect (although truth be told, Benji's not exactly the good-looking twin), now Paris is back to couch dancing (which is not bad, but, NOT getting drunk was a whole lot better). -sigh-, I'm gonna go watch Chelsea Lately now. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

SAVE THE DAISIES!

Upper California Coasters, I am calling for your help now! Watch Pushing Daisies! For God's Sake Watch It So It Doesn't Get Canceled! Pushing Daisies is like the greatest show ever made, where else do you expect to find romance, death, crime investigation, and drama all wrapped up in a colorful Lollipop 1950's-esque world? This show is fucking amazing, and if it gets canceled, I will personally go to ABC headquarters and bitch slap who ever started this, and then protest until it comes back, and if that doesn't do anything, THEN I"LL BURN THE PLACE DOWN! SAVE PUSHING DAISIES PEOPLE! SAVE IT! GET TO WORK! HAVE EVERYONE YOU KNOW WATCH IT! GET ACTIVE! SAVE PUSHING DAISIES!

It's Been Done.....

Yes, Pink Chanel and Turquoise Ice cream is now up & running. Just to let you know, on Pink Chanel, I'm gonna be going by Coco Ravelle, since it sounds so much like Coco Chanel. Anyway, just to let you know.......... Gosh, I'm So Happy!

Maybe, Bloggy?

Okay, for a few days now, I have had this idea in my head. Ok, so, as you know, my blog tends to (tends to, not always) talk about Hollywood and the goings on of the Celebuworld. Well, how would you my little pretties (all three of you) like fashion coverage? Not on here of course, but on a different blog, which I already have a name for, and get ready for it, it's a weird one, and the name is, Pink Chanel and Turquoise Ice cream. I know it's a bit out there, but, you know what, I'm gonna do it, Hello Chanel! Coco Ravelle is here!

P.S. If you happen to find a LiveJournal by the same name with turquoise mispelled, that's um, mine, I couldn't figure out how to work it, so I just abandoned it.

OMG

Hello Upper California Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and this'll probably be the first time I've ever said this on any matter besides Gossip Girl, but........OMG! Have you been watching The Office?! Ok, so this season started as perfectly as possible, Michael realized Jan is crazy and no good for him, Ryan & Kelly are getting back to their bitter banter again, and, JIM & PAM ARE GETTING MARRIED! But then, all of sudden, out of nowhere, on the last episode (Nov.6), some motherfucker who's Pam's "friend" tells her to forget Scranton and stay in New York because "She can reach her potential somewhere like New York". Motherfucking Motherfucker! Jim has been going after her for years now, and now she's leaving him behind? You might say Jim can go to New York with her, but, -cough,cough-, then the Office would PB & J-less, AND I CAN'T HAVE THAT! The only way I would be able to accept that was if there was a spin-off. Wait.......Um, that rumored spin-off might actually be the solution to this problem. Jim moves to New York for Pam, and gets a job at corporate. You might think things wouldn't be the same with a new office, but, yeah, remember when Holly filed that report about Meredith sleeping with the office supplies guy for a 40% discount? And corporate treated Holly like she was stupid for trying to break a deal that was keeping costs low? Well, if everyhting as it seems, the insane-ness of Dunder-Mifflin Scranton might not be an isolated incident. You know, forget all my ranting (unless you want to remember the slight funniness of my psychotic rants when you're bored), this just might be a positive turn. Oh, BTW, did anyone see the Simpsons tonight? OMG, Homer carved his and Marges names in a tree that already had a bunch of hearts on it already, and, -happy gasp-, there was one that said "PB+J". My mom was convinced it's a reference to the sandwich, but I almost started crying giddy tears! To think that Pam & Jim are such a famous couple that they are not only going to be immortalized on the their show, but other shows. Ugh, I'm Just So Happy. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

I might not be able to get married (there goes plan B to get rich), but......

Barack Obama is the president of the United States! I actually support my country now, (Canadia, France, you're my support mistresses, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!) and he promises equality for all, gay, straight, black, white, brown, tan, tall, short, thin, large, disabled, able-bodied, we are all equal. I Heart Barack Obama! and Jim Sturgess, John Krasinski, old movies, Hollywoodland, gossip, Gossip Girl, The Office, Pushing Daisies,Juicy Couture, Bloomingdale's, Macy's, CHANEL, shopping, writing, rambling, buffalo wings, and Jamba Juice. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, I rest my patent leather, Louis Vuitton, case.Here's to hoping for 4 of the best years America has ever seen. The World is Changing, Keep Up!

P.S. Remember my Fred Astaire & Ginger Rogers post? Well, I was at school the other day, and I realized someone I knew barred a striking resemblance to Fred AStaire. Austin, if you're reading this (which I doubt you are since you have no idea I even have a blog), You, look just like Fred Astaire. I don't know if it's your lanky frame and seemingly unending height, or the fact your face makes you like either his twin or his son, but you just remind me of Fred Astaire. Honey, you may be looking at a future in Hollywoodland.

Anyway, Toodles for Now, I just discovered the wonder that is Blair & Dan Gossip Girl fan fiction. Love Ya Betches!

Swing Time

Hello Upper California Coasters, now, I'm going to warn you. I am going to start talking about something you've probably never heard of, the films of Ginger Rogers & Fred Astaire. 75 years ago, RKO studios took a risk on a skinny, starting to bald, man who could barely dance and unknown tap dancer who would go on to revolutionize the musical industry in Hollywood. Now, it's said that even though every movie they ever made was a romance, that the two of them never had feelings for eachother. I. Say. BULLSHIT. They were sooooooooo having sex. You don't make 9 movies where you cozy up with the same person and don't fall in love, hell, it only took one movie for Brad and Angie. It's just the chemistry they have, the way they seemed like the perfect couple. You just got this feeling that something else besides a work friendship was going on, like Danny and Don on CSI: New York. Come on, best friends? Maybe friends with benefits. Those two dudes are sooo obviously having sex (God damn it. Dude? I sound like my mother, the last time she kept up with lingo was the early 90's) . Like I always say, It takes one to know one. Anyway, I just figured I'd babble on about my love for Freddie and Gingy's movies. See them!

Don't Vote for McCain.....or Obama

VOTE PARISHILTON!PARIS FOR PRESIDENT!VOTE PARIS HILTON!

McCain is old. Obama, he's okay. Now, Paris, Paris is the future of the U.S. She's against to discrimination of any kind, including my kind, for all green energy, and would spread hope, beauty, and makeup tips around the world. Vote for Paris, and Vote the Future of the Free World. Paris For President! At a Palms with a martini.Paris For President! The Commander in a Bikini.

100th Post

OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!OMG!100 posts! Congratulate Me Already Bitches!

Speaking of Ramblings......

I just found out that my great, great, great, grandmother went through 5 husbands. Yes five, and according to family legend, she killed them all. I asked about my mom about it, and apparently she only knows of how one died and thinks she was innocent. The story goes that one of her husbands was a raging drunk and would go out drinking every night, coming home wasted in the wee hours of the morning, and would demand a late night dinner. One day she was cleaning out the cupboard (let me remind you this was probably the turn of the century) and found some spoiled beans. She threw them out, using the only food left for her own dinner. That night he came home, drunk as a skunk, dragged her out of bed, and demanded dinner. She tried to explain to him that there was no food left, but after some nasty domestic abuse, she held her head high, sat him down and told him she'd start dinner, and marched outside to go get the beans. She fried them, fed them to him, and the rest is history, he's now buried in The Catholic Cemetary. My family is a lot more screwed up than I though. Although it reminds me of something Mrs. White from the movie Clue once said, "I believe a husband should be like tissue, soft, strong.......and disposable". Did I mention how my grandma's feud with her mother-in-law?

Vote No On Prop 8

Yes, I'm getting political, sorry about that. When I started my blog I told myself I would never get political, but the other day I saw a lesbian couple, with one of them wearing a Vote No on Prop 8 shirt, and I realized that she was probably wearing as a sort of propoganda, so, I'm here as another type of propoganda. All I want to say, is that you should Vote No, because, gay people should be treated the same way as everyone else. We're people. We want good jobs, we have dreams, we want families, we can be narcicistic just like you............, and we fall in love too. I'm not talking me and Jim Sturgess love, that's just me being a crazed fan and him being straight, not mention not even knowing I exist. I'm talking together until death love. Not just that, but it's discrimination. Gay people are like the new black people. Up until the 60's, black people were discriminated against, but then people realized that they are just the same as us, they just look different, and if people didn't look different, then the world would be boring. It's the same thing now, gay people are just different, there's nothing wrong with that. And one more thing, think about it, if the government can take away the right to marriage, what else do they think they can get away with. Making music in cars illegal, telling you how to dress, what to watch, how to act, what you can and can't say? Many people think the of the U.S. as the greatest country ever, but look across the pond, gay people have been accepted as the norm in France since the 50's. The two largest cities in Germany, Berlin & Hamburg, both have Very, Very, Gay mayors. And Canada, Gay Marriage has been legal there since the 80's. Now, back to our regular gay, psychotic ramblings......

Happy Birthday, Mr. Krasinski, Happy Birthday, To You.....

Hello My Darlings, It's Your Favorite Lunatic, and guess who's birthday it is. John Krasinski's! Yep, someone nearin' eternal damnnation, you know, turning thirty. Lucky for him, he's turning 29. Now, some of you may be thinking, "Um, what about a certain british actor-ey, your obsessed with-ey"(I'm sorry I just sounded canadian, which I am, so.....). Well, simply put, by the time I figured out John's and Jim's [Sturgess], JIm's had already passed (confusing isn't it, Jim is the name of John's character on the office). Anyway, I just wanted to congratulate the birthday boy. He's so damn cute, it's like he should be a model or something but he can't because he's not pretty, he's raw hotness, not all this make-up, hairspray, hairshine, and manicures, leaves that to we homos, kay. Anyway...John, if you're reading, Happy Birthday. Oh, and, yes, the title is a parody of when Marilyn Monroe sang on JFK's birthday, so John, don't try to become president anytime soon. Toodles!

YOUR WELCOME!

Lookie, Lookie, I got Brit-Brit's new vid-ie. Yep, the music video for Womanizer. Aside from the half-naked hotness from the 'womanizer', I can't say the same for Brit-Brit who spends the first 30 seconds in the nude.....for absolutely no reason. Just, jiving around in a sauna. Really? I mean, maybe this might peak the interest in straight guys, but, it just doesn't reallly make sense, it has nothing to do with the song. But, what the hell, it's alot more sane than the stuff she's been doing for the last two years.

The Magic of Macy's

Well, all of you obviously know of my obsession with Macy's that just about dwarfs my obsession with Jim Sturgess. It's just, I don't know, there's just something about Macy's, the way, that, it's just so big and proud, and it has the right to be. The way, that, whenever I'm in a Macy's wherever I am, whenever I am, I just feel happy, like it's home. Well, enough mushy shit, this department store has 150th birthday to celebrate, and I'm going to help.

I'm Back Bitches!.........Again......Shut up, I know

Hello there Upper California Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and first of all, Yes! I realize that I take a lot of hiatuses, the thing is, my laptop got a virus, so, I couldn't anything for forever. Right now I'm blogging from a new computer, but my laptop might be back in working order in like a month. Anyway....Britney Spear's latest single, Womanizer has come out, and it is to die for! I LOVE it! Plus the video just came out, and, ummm.....the 'womanizer' from the video.....OH MY GOD HE'S HOT! Does anyone know his name, I soooooo need to Google him. The best part of the video is when all the 'Britneys' he tried to seduce in the video hold him down and tear his clothes off.

I hope to post more later, so good luck. I'm Out, XOXO, Worship Me Bitches!

I Was Definitely Meant For Another Time

This past week I have been having an overdose of 50's & 60's music, and, I have realized something. I don't think that they'll ever make music the way that they used to. From the depressing, somewhat erie, lyrics of "Dream A Little Dream of Me", to the bubblegum, somewhat passive aggressive, "My Boyfriends Back", songs just AREN"T written the way they were used to. Don't get me wrong, I love CSS's diddies about dumb blonde socialites and hot, hot, sex, but, it's just not the same. It makes me wish aborn a long, long time ago. I a tim when a song just wasn't entertainment, but could have a story, real human emotion, make you depressed, or as happy as can be. Music just doesn't do that anymore. On a lighter note, Mercedes, if you're reading this, CALL ME ALREADY! Me and my mom do not mind leaving you high and dry back here in this ghetto-town, when we go on our shopping trip/ sad excuse for a vacation to San Francisco. Getting back to the point, I think that who ever reads this should listen to the music of this famous era, especially Dream A Little Dream of Me. You never know, if you don't do it now, you may never get the chance to....

FYI

BTW. for those of you who personally know me, NO TALK OF THE OFFICE! I missed the season premiere because my piece of shit cable company, "Lost the signal" and I had a pink screen for 45 minutes. DUMBSHIT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Ok, maybe my mom was right, maybe my language has been a bit heavy with filth lately. Oh, well, fuck it, if people don't like it, then they have to fucking deal with it. Toodles!

I'm Back Bicthes

Hello Upper Californians, Gossip Guy here, and it looks like LiLo has officially joined my team, or is on two teams, you never know, she could pull an Anne Heisch. For those of you who know nothing of pop culture before 2000, because you think it's "old", Anne Heisch, star of Men In Tress (which I'm not entirely sure, but I think it got canceled), was in a relationship with newly married Ellen DeGeneres, for like, 4 years. So Sam better watch out, one day LiLo may see a guy and be like, "Hmm, that guy is hoooooooooottt. Guess no one really is completely straight or gay, BYE SAM!". You never know........MOVING ON! GAiken is out of the closet everyone! Finally, after what, 5 years of going, "Oh yeah, I'd tap that". For god's sake, just come out, if people don't accept you, that's their problem, they don't deserve your pressence. You are what you are, you can't change what you are. Besides, like I said, no one is completely gay or straight. I mean come on, there's always the athletic type guy, who's all big, and buff, and sexy (ok, getting off the point) that loves strippers and slutts, but inside their head, at least one time in their life, they're going to see another guy and be attracted to him. Or the airheaded, socialite, girl, who at least a few times in her life, sees another girl, and is like, "Hey, she's kinda hot". Anyway, enough life lessons, MOVING ON! Brit-Brit's latest single dropped, and it is kickass! I heard it on youtube (iTunes, yeah, not so quick to update its shit sometimes), and I LOVE IT! It's called Womanizer, and is totally off the chain. Anyway, I gots to goes, Ghost Whisperer (or better known as Boobie woman in my household, which, BTW, my mother came up with that name) is going to be on, and as bad as it's getting, I have to at least see if it's going to be a better season this year. Oh, and before I forget, my last hiatus was due to motherfucking school. UGH! Oh well, they barely deserve me. I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

90th Post

It's the 90th post! Ok, I'm a little overenthusiastic. I'm just too anxious for the my 100th post. Anyway, I've had too things on my mind. First, should I get this bag? I love it soooooooo much, but what would I use it for? Ok, so I do have my hand mirror, cellphone, iPod, comb, lotion, hand lotion, body splash, sunglasses, spare money, pens, hand sanitizer, and carmex. But keep in mind I'm a gay, it may look a little weird in the crappy agh-GHETTO town I live in. You know what, fuck them, I love it, I'm even gonna get the miniature one. Now, Secondly, for the goodness of pret-a-porter and haute couture, I have not been able to get Valentine's Day off my mind. Did you know, that in Japan, Valentine's Day is when a woman has to get chocolate for her lover, but then on March 14 is White Day, when men give the women white chocolate. And that in South Asia they have Black Day on April 14th for (obviously depressed) single people. Oh, and that in North Europe, they have this guy that, a-la-Santa Claus, leaves gifts & candy on the back-doorstep of people's houses for children, but for some reason, kids are actually afraid of coming in contact with him. I just don't what it is, but I just can't get the day off my mind. Plus, I've always wanted to meet someone born on Valentine's Day. Like, did you know Simon Pegg was born on Valentine's Day? I didn't. It's weird, it seems like as I get older, it becomes easier for things to get stuck in my head, and seem to stay stuck there longer. Well I'm off, I still need to find a way to get romance out of my head, maybe a few romantic comedies................

Poor, Poor, Marilyn

I'm feeling a bit morbid and depressing today, so, I'm here to present you with the morgue photos of Marilyn Monroe. Yes, the last photos ever taken of her, on August 5th, 1962, as the famous blonde layed on a cold steel slab, lifeless. It's sad when you think about it, her father killed in an accident when she was 3, her mother commited when she was 7, raped at 8 with an abortion to top it off, passed through countless foster families and group homes for years, married at 16. Divorced at 20, attempted suicide at 23, two more failed marriages, 8 more abortions, and four miscarriages. All the while, she put up the persona of a glamorous, beautiful, airheaded sex symbol, when really she was manically depressed, self medicated, natural red head, that during her first planned pregnancy, took her maternity time to earn an english degree. And to be married at 16, she was only a teenager. When she wrote her autobiography, she said she never felt like a housewife, ignoring her chores and playing with the neighborhood children until her husband called for her, almost as if she was a child. In fact, it's a wonder she ever grew up, the constant emotional beating she must've taken. I can't imagine what it must've been like, to live a topsy-turvy life in the spotlight, looking for love in all the wrong places, and making mistakes with real love. When she died, she sat at the morgue for 3 days before her first Hollywood husband, Joe DiMaggio claimed her body, after divorcing her 8 years before. And it's horrible, the urban legend of what happened to her. For almost 50 years now, rumors, and rumors, and rumors have swirled to this day about her supposed affairs with the Kennedy brothers, John & Robert. Both of whom are rumored to have had Marilyn murderednwhen she wanted one of them to leave his wife and marry her. When you think about it, "I Wanna Be Loved By You" is much deeper than just a silly jazz song, it's what all she ever wanted, to be loved by someone, who cared for her, thought of her, devoted themselves to her. All she aspired to was to find "the one", and look what it got her, a mysterious death, and possibly a romp in the bed after she died with a necgrophelliac, better known as a person who has sexy time with a dead person. No one will ever know why, or how, she died 46 years ago, but she'll always live on, in movies, in film, in the persona she created. Because without that, she's just Norma Jean Mortenson, a curly-haired redhead with a dark past, who never grew up really.

I may not have the dark past, but in a way, me and Marilyn, have something in common.......

Gossip Girl Returns Tonight

My Horizontal Life

No, not MY Horizontal Life, that's currently non-existent (give it a few years, I'm not that old), Chelsea Handler's Horizontal Life. That's right, I FINALLY finished Chelsea's other book. Well, finally, two weeks ago. I was just really lazy with getting around to posting a review on it. SUCKS FOR YOU! Anyway, the book is pure genius. From the start of her sexual life when she ran into her parents' bedroom and took a picture of them having sex, to trying to get her 28 year old, Disney obsessed, virginal roomate that she's nicknamed DumbDumb, laid with the help of a kind male prostitute. Then there's the cruise she took where 1 out 15 people on the ship DIDN'T have a mullet, they only had cheap booze, and she slept with an 18 year old interpretive dancer. She's also been in a long-term relationship with a male stripper who she forced to never tell her his real name, insisting he only go by "Thunder", when with her. This bitch has seen everything this side of the sex rainbow. Now, 1, bitch can be an endearment when coming from the mouth, or rather in this case, fingers, of a homo, 2, this book is equal to, maybe even better than Vodka. And 3, I give it 11 out of 10 stars. Buy it and read it putas! Toodles Betches!

Sugar

Hello tHere, it's you know who, your Serene Highness Lord Stephan Monroe Ravelle of Normandy. JK. Although I did have my geneology traced, and my family's actually descended from somewhere in Normandy, which for you stupid-fucking-idiots out there, is in France (I TOLD I WAS FRENCH!YOU DOUBTERS!YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). Anyway, time to get to what I was actually going to talk about. Parov Stelar. You've probably never heard of the Austrian born DJ, but now you have, and you'll love him. Many recorded DJs cater towards electro, or electro-rock, or even jazz, but not many, electro-jazz. Yes, electro-jazz, a hybrid genre of 1920's jazz and techno. About 9 months ago, I stumbled upon the genius on iTunes, while looking up Ursula 1000, who although is very much just electro, has a few songs that I would generalize as electro-mambo. I of course fell in love, because of, as you know, I have a somewhat odd obsession with the Platinum Era of Jazz. The first song I bought, coincidentally I just realized, was Sugar, which is the name of Marilyn Monroe's character in Some Like It Hot, Sugar Kane. Besides that, the song Kiss Me Twice, is another one of my favorites, calling to my mind the image of a steamship approaching a sprawling city that is what as I can describe as a mixture of San Francisco, New York, Rio De Janeiro, and Paris. Anyway, enough of my babbling, you need to fucking hear his music. The only way of course, besides buying it (YOU CHEAP BASTARDS.Just Kidding!), is, (singing) Myspace! Well, I just bought the song from one of the Gossip Girl commercials, Ca Plane Pour Moi, by Plastic Bertarnd. Toodles Betches!

JIM STURGESS IS A GIFT FROM GOD

OH.MY.GOD. I LOVE JIM STURGESS EVEN MORE! (Jim if you're reading this, I understand I come across as a bit stalker-ish, but come on, I'm the only gay person at a school in a ghetto city in the central valley, what else am I supposed to do besides swoon over you?) I may have said it before, I can't remember, but Jim Sturgess is perfect! He can act, he can sing, he can play a guitar, and he's british. He's almost as divine as me. Yes, I said me. It's called narcicism pendejos, get used to it. Also, yes, I am back from my long overdue hiatus. Why did I go on yet another? SHITTY FUCKING SCHOOL GOT IN MY FUCKING DIVINE WAY! Homework my ass, all it is, is filler. Ffffiillllleerrrrr! Like I really need to know how to do equalities or whatever to be a screenwriter. Seriously, I am going to become a screenwriter, oh wait, you people already know that, and about my remake of Some Like It Hot. Some Like It Wet. Oh, oh, I came up with two tag lines for the posters. The first one, "Get Your Head Out of the Gutter! It Involves A Pool!(then in small print)and the gay mafia.". Then second,"It might not have guys in flapper drag, but is more gender-bending than before". The second poster is going to have just me on a stage doing one of my trademark poses. So, anyway, I'm back, and about the movie.....Jim, once again, if you're reading this, could ypu PLEASE maybe keep some room in your schedule clear after 2010. Please? You'd be terrific in a romantic comedy, especially mine..........

PUTA

Hello there, Stephan Monroe Ravelle is here, and wishes to establish, PUTA. People for the Unethical Treatment of Animals. You may be asking, What the fuck is wrong with me? Nothing. You see, I am so fucking tired of PETA putting my people down. Who are my people? Fur lovers. For a few months now, I have had the dream to one day be the owner of a polar bear fur coat with a 7-foot train and grey wolf trim. So, I have decided to form PUTA. Now, you may be pissed off, or you may be laughing over my organization's name, which in spanish, means, cough, cough, whore. But whatever, at least we're not MENSA. I mean seriously, if they're so smart, they would change their name to something mexicans won't laugh their ass off at. What? You don't know what Mensa means? Mensa, means idiot. So, refocusing on my organization, as soon as we get enough funds, we're going to protest PETA, by sending 300 mink coats to their headquarters. Besides that, every time they're seen protesting, my people will show up and throw blue paint on them, and then dead mink corpses. Our offices are also going to have leather wallpaper and wooden paneling made from trees from the Congo. So Pamela Anderson, looks like we can't be friends one day.

I was meant to be 35 in 1935

Recently, I've gone through sort of an epiphany. I have had internet again for the past 5 days, I've just been busy with my epiphany-ing. I have realized that I was meant for another time, literally. For the past few days, all I've had on my mind (besides the Office, Jim Sturgess, John Krasinski, and shopping) is Parov Stelar, The Puppini Sisters^, Bioshock, flappers, and The Chordettes. All of which coming fromn the 1920's through 60's. Even now, when envisioning my red carpet wardrobe, I'm seeing enormous fur coats, flapper hats, long necklaces, silver and white tuxedos, 2 ft long cigaretter holders, and blowing smoke in Ryan Seacrest's face and walking away. The bioshock thing, all I can think of is living in an underwater 1950's metropolitan paradise, before the war that is. You know, I just want to reach out there and spread this decade's counter-culture of the Retro obsessed people. Because, well, back then, things were just, simpler.

Hiatus of a Mad Hispanic/Canadian Homo

Yes, I got that title from Diary of A Mad Black Woman, which by the way, was a good movie, but, Tyler Perry, slow down, we're getting an overflow of Madea. Anyway, be thankful for this post, there is currently an internet fiasco in my not-so-fabulous-home, a big mix up of wireless non-existence, dial-up revertion, and clogged phone calls, and this post is coming from another computer. This is simply me, warning you that I might be gone for little while more, dear three readers. Now, you may be asking about Lollipop (if you're slow or have a bad memory, that's my nickname for Jimmy now, so get with the fucking program.JK. That came off a bit mean), well, since you know of my obsession with him, and some of you maybe, hopefully are getting obsessed too, this is just to tie you over for now. Now, I have to check my email, catch up on fan fiction, and other shit, Toodles!

Apparently A Lesbian Lover is Good For Mental Health

Recently, Lilo was spotted on the set of Ugly Betty for her character arch next season as an former popular class mate turned buger flipper. Many have been talking about how Lilo has practically come out of the closet without coming out of the closet. The thing is instead of talking about her sexuality or what her family thinks, the media has been very positive, the buzz being on how Samantha's pressence in her life has made her so much more visibly happier, and more importantly, kept her out of trouble. We all remember Lilo passing out in that car or trying to run over that tree that kept giving her the stink eye, but she's done with the fine white powder, she's into fish. Ooooh, I am sooooo bad. But who's to blame her, I'm into beef. I am soooooooooo bad. MOVING ON! Recently, Brad Pitt expressed how he'll take legal action if the paps get any pictures that are "suspicious". As in getting the picture by buzzing their mansion in a helicopter. MOVING ON! Recently Amy Winehouse made an apperance at Madame Tussauds. I'm kidding, she was too depressed by her hubie's sentence, but how did they snap this pic? Well honey, it's Madame Tussauds, the home of the wax wonders. So, take a good look, this what she'd look like if she quit the pipe. The highlight of the day is when her parents were overheard talking about how they'd rather trade their's in for this one. I'm noticing something though, LiLo, Amy, Kate Moss, other models. What are the two things they have in common? Thin bodies & Crack. So I can't help but get ideas, what is about crack, that makes people so thin? I mean, look around, woman crackheads, thin. Guy crackheads, lanky. They should see if they can isolate whatever does this, put it in pill form, and market it. I would be poppin' those things like candy. MOVING ON! Ethan Hawke had a baby with his new wife, Ryan Shawhughes, Clementine Jane Hawke. I can only hope the baby looks more like the mother, Ethan is no sight for sore eyes. Ok, I better go, not much to report today, although, I just want to mention, try Ono Hawaiian Barbeque, I had some for dinner last nigh, ugh! De-lish! I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

My So Called Piece of Hot Mess Shit Life

I have nothing to do. Did I tell you I recently discovered the miracle of hairspray? Yes, it's a godesnd. Simply comb, spray, and your do is saved. I Love hairspray now, and that also includes the movie. Oh, I raided my grandmother's jewelry, and I found enough costume jewelry to start a CHANEL boutique. I found this round pendant, and now I'm constantly wearing it, pissing her off. I also got into a bit of a snag at the Burberry website. I really wanted this messenger bag that was only 125 dollars, but yesterday I checked it again, and that's 125 euros. FUCKSHIT. So, I changed the currency, and my expensive yet reasonable bag is 815 U.S. dollars. I am so pissed off. Did you know Eddie Cibrian was born on the same day as my mom. It's true. I'm just so sad because, when he was barely being born, she was 13. My mom is sooooooooooooo old, just like tell her everyday to her face. She's just so old fashioned, she doesn't know the concept of shopping just to shop, doesn't understand my "Valley accent" and how I supposedly "talk too fast", and while she's reaching 50, my friends' parents are at the most pushin' 40. My life is such a hot mess right now, one of my idols is Chelsea Handler, because after reading "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea", I realized that, no offense Chels, her childhood was awful. And from what I can tell, my childhood is going the same way. There's the whole "gay fiasco", my cheap single mother, language buried, somewhat racist, slighty homophobic, ancient mexican grandfather, my also cheap, a little bit more accepting, not racist, not homophobic, nagging, kind of annoying, grandmother, my colorful array of extended family members, which, once they see a chance, like to fan off to the far corners of the country, away from us, me having family in South Carolina, Michigan, Spain, Cuba, Mexico, Colorado, and Canada, and finally this thing people keep telling me about me having no "empathy". Whatever that is, I really have no idea, and whenever I say that people stare. Well, I'm off to go check E!Online. Toodles!

Calm Down

Ok, I'm pretty sure now that Brit-Brit is ok now, because I still haven't heard anything, and all I want to say is, Meaness! How dare people post stupid lies like that she drove into a brick wall and one of her kids are dead. The sad part is she's enough of a mess I believed it instantly. Brit-Brit, what happened to the days of Toxic? Come on, pull yourself together, maybe one day you'll be able to revert back to the olden days of pop, and all of this we'll just be forgotten, like grandparents now and how they were pot-smoking, bi-sexual, hippies in the 60's. You can bounce back, and this'll just be a scar on your past, and you might even up going the same route as Madonna.

I Heart Jim Sturgess

Did you know that little Jimmy has a website devoted to merchandise about him? Not so bad for someone who's career took off about 9 or 10 months ago. But that's Jimmy, great actor, fabulous looks men would die to have and women (and some men) would die to see in person. Anyway, of course who else would be up 3 am looking at bottles of Chanel No.5 at Macy's.com, reading The Office fan fiction, listening to I Monster's myspace, and gawking at Jim Sturgess all at the same time. Me. Well, I saw, this, and I just HAD to post it to share the eye candy. By the way, they DO have a shirt that say's what I titled this post.

!!!!!OMFG!!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOSH!!!!! I JUST READ ON BRITNEY SPEAR'S MYSPACE, THAT SHE WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT AND ONE OF HER KIDS ARE DEAD. I WILL POST MORE IF I CAN GET ANYMORE INFORMATION. IT'S NOT ON PEREZHILTON, E!, OR YAHOO, SO IT MIGHT BE FALSE. OH MY GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY SHOOKEN UP BY SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED TO SOMEONE I DON'T KNOW, 300 MILES AWAY.

P.S.....

........I'm off to try another diet, the water diet. Nothing but water, watermelon, cucumber (ooh, cucumber melon body gel, I need to go shopping), pineapple, apples, you know, fruit. Ok, I better go, it's 10:15, and I've been on the computer since 7:30. I. NEED. TO. GET. A. LIFE.

Stephan Monroe Ravelle: The Playlist: The Music Behind The Homo Blogger

LOL. Anyway, just wanted to let ya know, I'm still alive, just luxuriously lazy about posting. I spent another day reading The Office fanfics and painting my nails black, so, Yay! I guess......Back to the subject! I have very tediously hammered out my personal playlist and have an entire page for it. It is here. I hope you like it's minimalism, LOL. Anyway, bye, I'm off to stare at Jim Sturgess, oh, and by the way, I was to listening to an old song yesterday, Lollipop, and I've decided that if I ever meet Jim Sturgess in person and like actually know eachother (I'm going to be a triple punch, writer, director, actor, duh), I'm gonna nickname him Lollipop. Jim if you're reading this, you may have a bigger fan since, well, there are TWO websites on you, so I'm probably your #1 gay fan. Unlike them, I don't feel the need to kinda, sorta stalk you, staring at a picture of you for hours is fine with me. Ok, I'm babbling again, and speak of the devil, iTunes is playing Lollipop now. God, I feel like such a mental patient, here I am just bluritng out everything, ok, you know what, no more, enough rambling for tonight. Toodles!

BaCkGrOuNd MuSiC

Hello there three people, Gossip Guy just droppin' in to tell you about how MODH has gained some background music from I Monster. I didn't get it directly from them of course, but, I did get it at their ReverbNation page. So.............................................................Enjoy!

DEPRESSION MEDICATION

Today, I got an email with an attached video, that I had to post.

A Sucka For Your Sound

You can listen to I Monster's next single, which I mentioned earlier, on their Myspace. FYI, don't watch the music video, it just ruined the song for me. I mean, come on, speakers having sex? RI-DI-CU-LOUS! And, if you're an idiot, yes, the name of the sing is, A Sucka For Your Sound.

MAKE IT WORK!

Did anyone catch Project Runway, I know I'm a little late, but I saw it yesterday. I can't remember any of their names, but I'm officially rooting for the guy with the plastic cup dress, the girl with the vaccum cleaner bag dress, and the girl with the table cloth and live produce dress. Ooooooooohhh! I'm sooooooooooo excited for this season. God, I really am obviuosly gay. Oh, who gives a fuck! It's PR's last season before they go to Lifetime, and we all know that's just suicide. Lifetime: Where Women's Careers Come To Die.

I'm A Sucka For Romance

Yes, I named this post after I Monster's next single. Anyway, today was probably one of my most pathetic days. Today, I spent all my time reading The Office fan fiction, mostly concerning the ever famous almost-never-happened-but-everyone-loves-it romance between Jim & Pam, or as we hopeless romantics like to call them, PB&J (her last name is Beesly). Now, you might of figured it out by now, but if you didn't, I am, a hopeless romantic. I actually thought Brit-Brit & K-Fed would be forever. I died a little bit inside when they killed Marissa off The O.C. leaving Ryan heartbroken. I nearly burst into to tears at the end of Breakfast at Tiffany's. And I was so pissed off when Dan & Serena broke up on Gossip Girl. You see, we hopeless romantics are the ones that have watery eyes and huge smiles when Tess realizes that she doesn't have to be the most powerful and wanted woman in the world, she's happy as long as Sam loves her and wants her in Woman of the Year, we're the ones that become demonic when you go through the channels, find Sleepless In Seattle, and keep going. We're the ones that feel sympathy when Bud gets stood up by Fran in The Apartment. Now, if you're wondering about the picture, this is the story. John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer who play Jim and Pam, well, their pretty aware of the massive amount of people who want their characters together, and, well, The Office cast has been known pull some stuff. Such as the Entertainment Weekly cover where Kelly and Ryan (from the office) are standing together, Ryan trying to commit suicide. You see, Kelly has been after Ryan for a long time, and when he got a job with corporate, she immediatley got another "boyfriend" to make him jealous. Ryan has absolutley nothing for her. Anyway, we PB&J fans absolutley love the picture because it's something that never happened, but we wish it had. So, basically, I am hopeless, fan fiction reading, romantic comedy loving (don't hate me, one of my favorite movies is Bewitched), PB&J loving, Georgia/Mason loving (dead like me), Pie maker/Chuck loving (Pushing Daisies), romantic. So, if you ever find a romantic movie you would like to recommend, preferably happy-ending, comments are WIDE open. That doesn't mean that's all you can use them for. Leave some comments for once! Your Hopeless romantic, gossip loving, couture and Jim Sturgess obsessed, blogging homo, Stephan Monroe Ravelle.

Ellevarg

My real last name backwards^. Okay, so, I was watching tonight's Fear Itself, and, Oh. My. God. I loved it. It was so good. Ok, so this girl (not really girl, she's like 26, 27, somethin' like that) wakes up on New Year's, and like, everything is covered in blood, so she gets a call on her cell, and it's her friend telling her to come to her place 'cause it's safe, and she sets off to get there and not get eaten by the crazy zombies that are overunning her city. So, along the way, she flashes back to the New Year's party she was at the night before, where her best friend (nerdy guy) admits he's IN love with her, and that her boyfriend, doesn't love her, after he (nerdy guy) lied to her about her boyfriend telling him that he (boyfriend) loves her, because he (nerdy guy friend) can't stand her in pain. This lead to (earlier) her saying she loves him (boyfriend) back, and he's like, "Ok, that's nice". So, back to her in real-life, she finally gets to her friend's apartment, while getting stalked by the zombie version of her nerdy friend (the one that loved her), and as soon as she gets in, she gets shot by her boyfriend. Then, flashback (there was actually more than two flashbacks, you're welcome). As she's leaving the party upset and her nerdy friend is chasing after her, she sees her boyfriend and supposed "friend" making out. So she runs home, swallows a bottle of tequila and a bottle of sleeping pills and lays down to die.Back to real-life, she's on the floor still alive, and her boyfriend shoots her again, and it's revealed that the entire time, she was one of them. So, they think she's dead, when her zombie nerdy friend (the one that confessed his love to her) attacks her boyfriend and kills him, then she gets up, and he (nerdy friend; zombie) walks next to her. They take eachother's hand (sweet moment) and they look into eachother's dead eyes, and the last thing they show, is the two of them holding hands as they approach the slut (her supposed friend) and start to eat her. I mean, in a weird maccabre kind of way, it's romantic. It brings out the both the hopeless romantic and saddistic sides of me (don't worry, saddistic isn'y just crazy, it's technically taking pleasure in other people's pain, i.e. laughing at someone when they trip hurt their nose). Moving on.... I was googling my second obsession, John Krasinski (you can only go to the JSO site so many times in one day), and I found this forum on him and his character on the office, and, ladies, if you ever read this, don't worry, I'm just as insane as you, and I don't care. In fact, people know who I am and my web personality. Besides, there are worse cases, I was reading a Pushing Daisies fanfic, and, the author's notes were, I quote, "I want to kidnapp Lee Pace, strap him to a chair naked, and make him read the phone book to me". Yes everyone, there are people worse than me (the person I just quoted). I mean, I might stare at pictures of Jim Sturgess all day, but if I lived in L.A. , I wouldn't be stalking him. I would locked up inside my room working on one of my scripts, not looking for Jimmy. But, don't get me wrong, if I was at the grocery store, and saw him over at PRODUCE, or FROZEN FOODS, I WOULD, I WOULD. START JUMPING UP AND DOWN, AND RUN TOWARDS HIM SCREAMING WITH CAMERA IN HAND, AND READY TO JUMP HIM, AND STALL HIM SO I CAN CALL OTHER FANS AND TELL THEM WHERE I WAS, SO WE COULD AMBUSH HIM AND GET PICTURES THAT WE WOULD CHERISH UNTIL THE DAY WE DIE! Well, I better go, I probably shouldn't keep going before I start ranting. By the way, I'm thinking about a new signature. Loser says wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

"When God Created Robert Pattinson, He Was Showing Off"....

.....is what some of the "Twihards" have been saying about the movie adaptation of Stephenie Meyer's "Twilight". In a recent (well not so recent, but fuck it) Entertainment Weekly, she spills on the movie, the last book of the Twilight series, and how she might have a lot more than just a vampire series under her belt in a few years. A friend who wrote the Princess Academy series told Meyer, "I'm So Proud of You! Because we're not sure if J.K. Rowling is a one-hit wonder" she said on Meyer's other new book, The Host, a completely different novel, "But You're Not!". Ouch, J.K.'s probably pissed by that. Meyer also revealed that she has a nearly complete remake of Twilight, Midnight Sun, which is in the vampire's point of view, a started ghost story called Summer House, two sequels to her recent The Host, and an untitled story involving time travel that she just figured out how to end. All this with Twilight coming out in December, and Breaking Dawn, the finisher to the Twilight series coming out this August 2nd. I actually haven't read the books, but there's a total bitch I know, that's OBSESSED with it (more than my obsession with Jimmy) and if I can get her to stop bitching, might ask her what the fuck it's about. One more thing though, you know how Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were locked in as casted? They did a screen test.............for a love scene...................on the director's bed. A.W.K.W.A.R.D.

DONKEY

"C!S!S! SUXX! C!S!S! SUXX!" is the lyrics to the first song of CSS's first album, which, in a few days, won't be alone. CSS, Cansei de Ser Sexy (brazilian=english:'tired of being sexy') is the band behind the famous iPod Touch commercial that throttled them into the International spotlight, and now, with their growing fan base, they're due to drop their second album, "Donkey" on July 21st. From what I've heard on their myspace, it's pretty good. What I'm wondering though, is, is it going to be on iTunes when it drops? Because. that's where I get my music, for those of you that have songs that when someone asks, Oh! It just dropped out of the sky and fell into your fucking iPod. Personally, I feel cheap when I download for free, and, obviously, I was meant for bigger things. I was meant to walk down the red carpet at the Academy Awards while my staff attacked PEETA crazies who're trying to get some red on my 300,000 dollar Fox coat. That's NOT FAUX, that's Fox, as in the wild animal that's in the same animal family as the dog, and, yes, if the fur looked good enough, I would skin a dog, and wear it. Just like how I want bald-eagle golf club cozies and a massive hallway lined with antlers like in "The Illusionist". Anyway, back on subject, you can pre-order at the myspace, and remember, July 21st. Toodles!

The Hawtness Scale

Dear Readers, god, I sound like a "Dear Abby" column, anyway, I just wanted to bring to your guys' attention (all three of you), that I will beginning the "Ravelle Hawtness Scale". Now, Kyra, if you're reading this, I'm borrowing your idea, ok, you can take it back if you want, but just to put it out there, you only did one hawtness scale video, so, you could say that the Hawtness Scale has moved. Just like Buffy, which changed from FOX to UPN after 4 seasons. Whatever, anyway, I'll update every week, well, kinda, Jim is going to always be at the top of the list (notice Jonathan Togo is nowhere in sight, I can't even eat at Togo's. although I never did, I thought it was a cheap and trashy deli).

P.S. Don't go to El Torito, I think I have Montezuma's revenge (hispanic to valley: montezuma's revenge=upset stomach and, well, you know, a lot of use of the bathroom. no, idiots, not food poisoning, this comes, ONLY, from mexican food).

Sexual Harrasment

Today, I was going through my old Chelsea Lately Podcasts, when I found this little gem. This is the reason why I love Chelsea Handler (Han-dl-er, ok you dumbasses that think her last name is "Lately"), she just does anything she feels like. kinda like me, only I have limitations thanks to an annoying and cheap family. Anyway, this was after the story of the governor and the whore, when Chelsea talks about how "A Sexually Harrased staff is a happy staff".

By the way, does anyone think the guy she puts her hands down his pants is cute? I think he's Chelsea's REAL assistant. I mean, have you ever actually seen Chuy doing anything "Assistant-y". Well, I'm off to check on my CHANEL podcast. Toodles!

Addicting

Do You See What I Mean Addicting? I've probably said it before, but it's those eyes and that smile just make me want to hug him (call that stalking and I'll stalk you bitch, I'll stalk you till you kill yourself from the fear!). (swoon-y sigh) Oh well, I can never have him, there's that Mickey (girlfriend) and the difference in "teams". Although, if I can't have him, he at least deserves better than that Mickey. What does she have a squeeky voice and wears a blue dress with big black mouse ears? I better go before I start ranting again. One question though, is 58 dollars a lot for sunglasses? Because my cheap-ass-betch of a mom thinks so. I will steal that credit card if she keeps this up. Betch.

Gum

I don't know why I'm doing it, but I just have to sound, off, about Orbit's flavor Maui Melon Mint. I just LOVE IT. I have been chewing it since last month (don't worry, it's not the same piece), it's just addicting. More addicting than Jim Sturgess. Right now, I have a wad of five pieces in my mouth, and I'm chewing like a goat. The thing is, all my friends think it's disgusting, but I have this habbit, where I pull part of my gum out of my mouth, and twirl it around my fingers. And I am soooooooooo good at it now. I can make dream catchers, spiderwebs, and other stuff, although after a few seconds I just pull it back in with my teeth and tongue, but whatever. I don't know what started my craving for gum, but I love it, and I will chew it till' the day I die. I'll even teach my kids about it. Hopefully, they'll be gum twirlers too, Leeland, Soylynn, Lemon, Melon, Taffy, Strawberry, and Candy. Yes, I really am going to name my children that. My mom says she's gonna make fun of Soylynn and call her "Soylent Green".

Life in Bitchy Diva Lane

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and Kimora Lee Simons has recently switched lanes from the Fab Lane to the Bitchy Diva Lane, to which I say, "Welcome!". Recently she was spotted at LAX with an enormous pile of Louis Vuitton luggage, so big if it was hollowed out you could probably fit 4 people. Besides breaking the backs of the luggage handlers and probably spending hundreds of dollars on the new luggage fees, somehow, even though she's catered to, hand and foot, she managed to get pissed off. First of all, you don't go diva in an outfit like that honey, and Second of all, do something! Naomi has the phones, throw a laptop! Do something! Spit on them! YOU! ARE! A! DIVA! Make it known to EVERYONE. Push them on the ground and pee on them. I know when I go diva (or divo, although divo sounds stupid, I mean , besides, I'm a gay. you know what, I'll go with diva) I will make them suffer. I will throw things, I will shove their heads into the table, I will be demanding. I will intentionally confuse them. I will treat them like dirt. MOVING ON BITCHES! It's time for a reminder. Project Runway, the show I just sadly started watching, will kick off his last season on Bravo this Wednsday, July 16. Watch What Happens. MOVING ON! Things aren't going too well in the rest of California right now. The governator was spotted going to church yesterday, in a Hummer. Yes, H-U-M-M-E-R. The giant gas-guzzling beast, right after he threw some not so nice comments towards Bush about not trying to help Global Warming. Then (oh, it gets better)he parked on a red curb, yes, a firelane. Help! Someone! Our governor is become our local Bush! To add insult to the already bonfire of mistakes and upsets, he looks like a cross-bred austrian-soumoian (I probably mispelled that) with the horribly disgusting tropical shirt, and, oh my, red pants? Well, it's time to commit state-wide suicide, being the most glamorous state with a wardrobe-ly challenged governor. I hope he still isn't in office when I create my California Superbowl Half-time commercial. Let's just say it'l envolve vistas from around places in the state like San Francisco, L.A., Bodega Bay, the green belt, Lake Tahoe, the motherload, the sierra, Yosemite, Death valley, the redwood forest, Mt. Shasta, Hollywood, Hearst Castle, Santa Catalina, Highway 1, the Hotel Del Coronado, and finally the (by then completed) California sign. Which will be erected on the hills near the coast. The commercial will take up the entire commercial break, three minutes long, and will end with the california sunset, not looking at the sunset though, but at me, in a lounge pose with the California sign in the background. Well, enough of my rambling, I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Welcome to the World!

Hello Upper West Coasters, Gossip Guy here, and Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt have been born. That's right, Brangelina had the twins, a boy and a girl (am I seeing a trend? Look at JLo's kids) late Saturday evening. Their doctor gave a press conference this morning and said that Brangelina was very calm in the delivery room, laughing and crying tears of joy. Laughing? You may be asking. Well, if any of you out there ever have kids, get an epidural. From what I understand, it makes it feel like the kid(s) fall right out of you. The thing is, many are wondering how many children are going to be named Knox or Vivienne now. E! reports that after the birth of Shiloh in 06', it became the top baby name in america, just like the name Maddox did in 03'. What I'm wondering though is what's in store for their children. I mean, Shiloh, Knox, and Vivienne come from the two most beautiful and talented people on earth. One, ok, a gay can only hope that Knox gets his father's looks, or maybe even turns out gay or bi-sexual. Thinking about the future though, Angie seems in no hurry to stop having children, making me wonder about Brad, who probably won't look old until he hits 60, and his, uh, "stamina". Because, if Brangelina's still poppin' out kids by the time I intend to start my lengthy scheduel of hiring surogates and having children, well, playdate! Who knows, one day you might hear about the wedding of Taffy Ravelle (boy, in case you're confused by the name) and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. Well, I've done enough psychotic babbling (is it normal to think out loud when no one seems to be listening to you talking?) for today. By the way, yes. I have noticed my mistake on the post before.I'm Out, Worship Me Bitches!

Are There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea.....

...........and Stephan. That's right, I said it. You see, I 've predicted my future, and you know what I see after age 45? Being sober when I'm drunk, drunk when I'm sober, toting around a martini glass and a long Tiffany & Co cigarette holder, wearing all black with constant over-sized sunglasses. Anyway, I finally finished Chelsea's "Are You There Vodka? It's Me Chelsea" and, oh my god, I loved it. From her fake movie career when she was 8, to her constant pot smoking while in Costa Rica with her dad who got first-class tickets on the plane by saying it's their honeymoon. From what I can tell, her life is one big piece of shit. That, is a completely serious compliment. How? Because, after reading her book, I've realized that my life is almost as big as her's piece of shit. Recently, i came out of my closet to my mother, her response was, "Ok, I kinda already had an idea". I mean, am I that fucking obvious? I guess so, my grandmother (who hasn't actually been told yet) gives me these strange looks once in a while, specifically whenever I do something that is considered gay. Also, I recently found out that my family history involves drugs, alcoholism, narcicism (big surprise), racism, abuse, and suspicious deaths. Moving away from my horribly scarred family, Chelsea just has this manner of telling stories that is all her own. From calling her father "bitch-tits" & "Shamu", to her detraction (almost disgust) of red-headed men, one whom she slept with in one of her stories to "know what it's like". Out of five stars, I give it six & a half. Well, I'm off to go to dream land (sleep, idiot) where hopefully I will see either, Jim Sturgess, Callum Blue, Jamie Bell (I really am going british), James Lafferty, or Macy's. What? I can dream that my cheap ass mom will actually take me shopping for once, instead of a browse at Sunglasses Hut, leaving me pissed and leaving empty handed. Toodles and Nighty Night (look at the time posted bitch).

I'm Your Fire, at Your Desire!

Hell0 tHere, It's your's truly, Gossip Guy, and I'm going to make a confession. My favorite song right now is from the 70's. Yes, that's right, 70's (demonic voice). I don't know how it happened, one minute I'm watching OTIS (which I never got to finish watching thanks to the japanese company that posted it on the internet forgetting to post part 3, but posting part 4), the next I'm listening to Shocking Blue's, "Venus". Basically though, it's my future theme song, I mean, "A Goddess on a mountaintop, was burning like a silver flame. The summit of beauty in love, and Venus was her name", that, is, just, what, I, want, to, describe me in the future. I want to be the epitomy of glamour and the revival of Old Hollywoodland (as I intend to attend [oh my god that rhymes!] every award show and party dressed in fur and a tuxedo, comlete with plant and flower decorated hats. I even have an idea for loafers with heels, intended for the gayest of the gays [like me], plus I'll only be arriving in only cars made before 1939, preferably the Bugatti Royale). I don't know why no one's ever remade this song, it would be great, -GASP-, CSS should remake it! It would be the greatest remake ever, blowing Bananarama's version out of the water (I don't know who they are, I just know they remade it). It would make me happy long enough to hold me over until I see Jim Sturgess in person, after which I would die happy, well of course after I've become a celebrity and go through a fifty-year career. How am I gonna have a fifty-year long career? Plas-tic-sur-ger-y. UhDuh! I just don't wanna end up like Joan Rivers or Michael Jackson. Michael won't even admit to his obvious nose job, but Joan once said, "Honey, this face has seen more knives than a benihana". Actually, one of my friends has actually said that she want's to become the first actress to moonlight as a plastic surgeon, me and my sworn frienemy already guranteed botox treatments for our 45th birthdays. I might gossip later, but I Love Lucy is on. Fuck Off, I'm Out. Worship Me Bitches!


By the way, nevermind that thing about the double underline green links, apparently that was just my computer.